Fire Briskly Burning
by Amy lee Belle
Summary: Plymouth, 1587, sixteen-year-old Amy is aboard the Lyon, in the hope of finding the freedom she was never granted. She is leaving England, together with the first colony to settle on Roanoke. On the New Continent, she will discover a wild world, full of dangers and fears. Will she be strong enough to survive and fulfil her destiny without losing herself?


**Fire Briskly Burning**

By AMY LEE BELLE

HO'OPONOPONO TO LIFE IN ALL ITS FORMS, EVERYWHERE, FOREVER…

Copyright 2018 Amy Lee Belle

Cover by Délilah Martin /

"Take the armor off, so the arrow of the Truth can penetrate you." Adyashanti

PART 1

PLYMOUTH – March 1587

_But since she knows the toil of mind and life_

_As a mother feels and shares her children's lives,_

_She puts forth a small portion of herself,_

_A being no bigger than the thumb of man_

_Into a hidden region of the heart_

_To face the pang and to forget the bliss,_

_To share the suffering and endure earth's wounds_

_And labour mid the labour of the stars. (…)_

Sri Aurobindo

_Savitri_, Book VII, Canto V

CHAPTER 1 –

**The Tempest**

In the year of our Lord 1587, March 25th, I was returning home after my daily work as a seamstress under the supervision of Philippa Gibbon. I was careful not to slip on the cobbled streets of Plymouth, the quick and incisive rhythm of knives gutting out sea creatures accompanying the rain drops in their busy dance.

This fifty-year-old plump woman of wit and talent had for sure a ready tongue and I couldn't stop thinking about all the stories she had told on several occasions. Rumours had quickly swept the town that a ship – the 120-tonne _Lyon_ – a flyboat and a pinnace were about to sail to the New World.

Since the news had reached her ears, Mistress Gibbon hadn't stopped fussing about it all.

"Working on a ship is one thing. But founding a new colony? These waters are already dangerous enough, I don't see why we are to send women and children over there…" I recalled her saying.

Her husband – a fisherman – had left her a widow, dying at sea. I couldn't let go of this certainty that she had to feel lonely without him.

"This is our lot, you know, women. To look after our husbands and pray for their safe return."

I further remembered her words as I was walking along the streets, the scent of dead fish spreading with the shouts of men trying to sell the product of their catch. These streets were hectic and loud, totally encircled by pointy houses. Smoke and mud were invading my nostrils, my head still throbbing. It was pouring rain again, and we couldn't distinguish any sunray above the grey clouds looming on the horizon, the landscape further souring the whole atmosphere.

The air was dense and suffocating.

"Darling, you are drenched. Please, change quickly and give me a hand here." my sister said by way of greeting.

She and her husband had agreed to give me shelter after our father's death two years ago.

Father and mother were now lying next to each other, leaving me, a sixteen-year-old penniless girl in my sister's care. We had had to sell our family property and all its furniture to settle our father's debts and ensure a decent burial.

My life with my sister and her husband was busy, they had four children and one more due to the end of the month. But I was doing everything I could to help them alleviate the financial burden that my being with them represented.

"Are you all right, Marge?" I said, removing the petticoat I had received from our mother – the only legacy I had of her.

"My back's been hurting all day. This little one is in a hurry, let me tell you…" I heard her say as I was climbing up the stairs to change clothes.

In the bedroom I was sharing with their three daughters, I found myself longing for the life colonists had chosen.

_A life full of adventure, excitement and discovery_ I reckoned, remembering at the same time Mistress Gibbon's words. There was certainly more to my life than just living confined in a town house too small to accommodate a large family.

After a few minutes, I heard Margaret call me "Amy, come down, quickly…" her voice was betraying anxiety. "My water just broke." She added, almost out of breath.

"I'm sorry, Mistress Geddyng is being held at the Derby's." I said trying to calm my nerves in view of the bad news I was delivering.

Drops of rain were still rolling down my petticoat as I had run to Mistress Geddyng's house, the wretched weather trying to slow me down once more. All this to be told that the midwife wouldn't be available tonight.

"Let's hope Saint Margaret has heard my prayers." my sister added, wincing at the sharp pain coursing through her whole body. "Amy, I guess it's just you and me, then."

I felt a surge of sudden panic inside my guts when I recalled the danger of childbirth and our mother giving birth to five stillborn after me, the sixth one having been fatal to both our mother and our sibling. When I glanced at the crucifix held high on their bedroom wall, I started praying with all my heart.

"Marge, tell me what to do…"

"Help me, I need to lie down." she added, racked with pain.

A wave of blessed relief washed over me when I heard the door open and saw Mistress Geddyng enter.

"Fetch a bowl of warm water and a blade." she immediately ordered.

"Yes, of course." I answered, smiling to Margaret.

I hurried to gather all the things I had been asked to find and quickly went back upstairs.

When I entered my sister's bedroom, Mistress Geddyng was using some water to wash her hands and quickly turned to my sister.

When she remained silent after her examining her tummy, I could sense that something was off.

"I'm afraid the baby is in the breech position…" she uttered.

"It will have to do. The baby is coming." my sister replied, warm liquid flowing down.

"I'm here with you dear. Now push…"

And as Margaret was complying, even more determined, Mistress Geddyng prepared herself for welcoming this new baby into the world, feet first.

Her mind was quick to adjust in the face of the choking danger Margaret's baby was in.

Imitating the gesture of the midwives who had aided mother, I saw her hold the baby's body with one arm, and prolong its movement upwards. "So the baby's head is not blocked…" she was explaining.

All of a sudden, Mistress Geddyg was holding a tiny body crying in her arms.

"Marge, it's a girl." I said, overcome with emotions, hearing my niece's voice for the first time.

I knew Margaret had been in terrible pain but she had gathered all her courage.

Mistress Geddyng gave me my niece and used the blade I had foreseen, cutting the cord that was coming from the baby's tummy.

I wrapped her in a white linen sheet and gave a kiss on her forehead.

"Let me hold her." my sister asked, exhausted, but in a state of bliss. "Mary Eleonore Sentjohn…Thank you Mistress Geddyng."

"Now, let's tell her father that both the mother and the baby are in excellent health…" Mistress Geddyng finished.

I took the umbilical cord and placenta wrapped in a sheet, left the room and went downstairs to throw them in the fireplace, following the midwife's instructions, eager to announce the big news to the whole family.

CHAPTER 2 –

**Adverse Winds**

Margaret was soothing one-month-old Mary in her arms while my other nieces and nephew were gently playing in the living room.

"Good news, I have arranged a meeting for you and Alard's son tomorrow night, after today's fast. You shall dine here, as we shall chaperon you." Andrew's voice, resonating through their modest dining room, had sent chills down my spine.

We saw Andrew's business partner on a regular basis. He and Alard Gardyner were hoping to make a fortune out of wool export.

I had seen Sir Alard's son, before.

John and his father were regularly invited to dine with us. But I was treated more like a servant than a real member of my sister's family as I had to serve them all on such an occasion.

John was far from being plain. He was tall, fair-haired and well-mannered but I couldn't say his features nor his attitude towards his father – following him blindly everywhere – would lift my spirit at the idea of spending an entire evening with him.

As the eldest, he was asked to follow his father's shadow and learn the export trade to take the business over from him as soon as he was fit to do so.

"Uncle, if you need me to work more, I can talk to Mistress Gibbon, I'm sure she will agree…" I suggested, sensing my brother-in-law's goal.

"You are old enough to get married and I'm sure you'll make an excellent wife, Amy." he interrupted me with, proud, certainly anticipating the ties he could further strengthen with Alard through such an arrangement.

"Andrew…" Margaret had taken his hand, maybe trying to abort his scheme, knowing me too well.

"Margaret, it is not a matter we will further discuss. May I remind you that we can afford to keep your sister here no longer? We need the room for the baby, not another mouth to feed. And John is a very good party for Amy. She would be foolish to refuse such an offer." he added, smiling triumphantly.

Andrew's lack of consideration was similar to the men of his era, talking on my behalf, pretending I wasn't even in the room. "It is settled then." he gave as a conclusion to his monologue.

Turning to my sister for support, she replied by staring at her plate.

"Will you excuse me, I am exhausted."

"Amy, come back here, this instant!"

Without adding anything else, I stood up and went upstairs to cry silently.

"John, Alard, such a pleasure to welcome you here again." Andrew's voice was loud and clear, surrounded by the children's muffled laughter and excitement.

"Thank you Andrew. Margaret…" Alard was smiling, contentedly. "Amy, nice to see you again."

Alard and John were exhibiting their best demeanour.

The only response I could think of was nodding.

"Come on Amy, take our guests' coats. Gentlemen let's go to the living room." Andrew said, motioning to the children that they could go upstairs and had to remain calm.

As I could feel John's eyes lingering on me, I felt totally powerless.

I took their coats, hung them in the hall and joined the kitchen with Margaret.

"Amy, I…"

"Don't bother…" I replied, feeling guilty at the same time, for my sister had given me a roof and helped me to the best of her ability.

Taking a bottle of red wine, I headed to the dining room and observed the table, making sure the plates and cutlery were properly placed.

How on earth could Andrew do this to me? How? My throat constricted, I stifled my anger and prepared myself for what was to come.

"What about you Amy, is there any field that would attract your attention, except cooking, of course?" Alard said, addressing me for the first time since the beginning of the meal.

"Sir?" I asked, surprised and unable to longer avoid our guests' gaze.

"I know ladies your age are really fond of performing household tasks, but it is also their duty to be educated in other fields…"

"I don't understand what you mean…"

"You know, dancing…"

"I…" I looked at my plate, embarrassed.

"I told you about the candor of the weaker sex…" Alard and John were laughing, openly mocking me. "Let me ask you Andrew, what would women do without us to guide them?"

"Yes, Alard, you are absolutely right! I propose a toast." Andrew added, filling our glasses with the wine he had bought for the occasion.

"Yes, excellent idea…"

"To promising unions, may our two families prosper."

"To promising unions!" they all said, cheering.

That was it, I could no longer contain myself. I stood up, excused myself and went upstairs, the sound of my steps covering Andrew's protests and Alard's laughter.

More determined than ever to escape the lot of women in my condition, my mind was racing to find a solution. I would not let anyone force me into marriage, I would not let anyone possess me…

_Dear Margaret_

_I love you and your family more than any words could ever express._

_I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me._

_But it is time for me to find my own way. _

_You know me, I could never be anyone's wife. _

_I hope you will understand._

_Please feel reassured that I will always carry you all in my heart and prayers._

_Your sister,_

_Amy_

I folded the letter and put it carefully on Andrew's desk.

Our mother's petticoat on my shoulders, and my father's wooden cross in my small luggage, I threw a last glance at my sister's home, remembering the good moments spent here, with my nieces and nephew, their smile and laughter, their games and songs.

_My sister's happiness is here_, I thought, _even if she lets all her freedom in Andrew's hands_.

I went on thinking about Andrew.

I wasn't angry with him though, I was furious, furious at the conventions this society upheld, enraged by the traditions it dictated, enslaving women and their right to choose, giving men the power to manage everything and everyone.

_Shall I ever see a world when women are free to make choices and live their own life, without any male counterpart taking decisions for them?_

I slowly closed the door and disappeared into the night, leaving them all sleeping.

My heart felt heavy and relieved.

CHAPTER 3 –

**The Roar of the Wind**

_It was pitch black and I was alone, walking barefoot, tickled by the grass, when a green field, illuminated by bright stars and the magnificent moon, was spreading on the horizon. _

_As I was slowly advancing, I could perceive the outline of a black structure, and hear the frustrated neigh and galloping of an animal whose contours were blurry._

_Now in front of a black fence, I saw the most magnificent white stallion finish his race, eyeing me thoughtfully. _

_I could sense his stamina, his fast heartbeat. _

_And soon they became mine…_

I woke up with a start, the incessant rolling leaving me in a state of perpetual sickness.

I had eluded the guards in front of the ship, reluctantly aided by Mistress Gibbon, and succeeded in coming aboard without anyone noticing. But I had this feeling that those achievements only represented the easy parts of my trip.

I hadn't seen the sky, hadn't smelled fresh air for several days now.

I didn't even know if it was night or day and I had eaten all the meager food I had carried with me. My stomach was churning.

I was alone, in the dark – a prisoner – in the belly of the _Lyon, _whose cargo was piled up high in the hold, the sound and smell of the livestock in the room next to mine all around me.

Maybe it had been foolish, maybe it had been a reckless decision though it had seemed to be the only way out.

But since I was on board and it was too late to turn back, I could no longer let myself starve, whatever the consequences, even facing the captain's fury.

I stood up and went out of hiding, my footsteps silently gliding on the wooden floor.

The ship's boy was firmly holding my arm. I didn't know if it was his restraint or my first contact with the exterior, but my stomach emptied itself of the meager meal it had received this couple of days.

"Watch it!" the ship's boy resumed.

The fresh air blowing on my face felt like heaven. The sun was high in the sky, and the horizon an endless shape of blue. Observing the ship from her deck, I was amazed at the ease she was displaying, her wooden shape slipping and bobbing through the waves.

"Well, well, what do we have here?" the master said, inhaling the scent of my hair.

"Aye, Master Fernandes, see what I have found, stealing in the hold!" the ship's boy said out loud.

"You know the treatment we reserve for thieves. Explain yourself!" He was scrutinizing me, amused.

"I wasn't stealing…" I said, slowly regaining composure.

"You should have stayed with the other ladies, then. What were you doing in the hold?" the master insisted, his face too close to mine.

"Fernandes, what is all the fuss about?" A stern grey-haired man had appeared out of nowhere, inspiring respect and authority. He was in total contrast with Fernandes who was small, dark-haired and brown-eyed.

"Captain White, it appears we have a thief on board." Fernandes explained, keeping his distance this time.

"A thief? This girl seems harmless to me. Where have you found her?"

"I was going to the hold Captain, when I saw her there." the ship's boy replied.

"Did you see her steal anything, boy?"

"Not exactly Captain, but she was in the hold and I…"

No one was giving me the time to react, these men were discussing my fate without even bothering to question me.

"And you are?" the man named White finally asked.

"Amy." I simply answered, not wanting to bring dishonour to my sister or her in-law's by using their name.

"Well, my Lady, please accompany me to my quarters so we can sort things out." White finally said, showing me the way.

When he saw the master ready to protest, he added "No one will put a hand on this lady, my orders."

I followed the captain to his quarters, hearing the ship's boy giggle behind me.

The interior of the ship exceeded her external majesty in many regards, the carved wooden walls and furniture of the captain's quarters were exquisite.

Captain White politely asked me to sit down on a chair, whose flower-patterned drapes were displaying shiny shades of gold, green and red. He had left the door ajar.

"I don't recall having seen you before… and you're nowhere to be found in the register." he said after checking a document on his desk. He was now reading the tangible proof of my embarking unofficially.

He had unfolded another document in front of him and was taking a quill.

"Captain, you are right. Please, forgive me. But let me assure you that I will do everything…" I quickly tried to explain, afraid of being put under arrest.

"What are your skills?" he suddenly wondered.

"I looked after my nieces and nephew in Plymouth and I'm a reasonably good cook. I've also worked as a seamstress for the past year."

"Do I need to worry about you stealing our provisions?"

"No Sir, I meant Captain, I wouldn't dare steal anything…"

"Well…" he started, taking his time "I guess it is too late to manoeuvre the ship back home, and I have no desire for throwing you off board."

"Thank you Captain…"

I was still in a state of sheer bliss when Captain White resumed "Master Bailie?"

A small round-shaped figure appeared, all flushed.

"Captain?" Master Bailie, a seemingly reliable man, replied.

"Would you please fetch Thomas Colman?"

"Of course, Captain."

I was once more left alone with Captain White. I didn't dare utter any word, too worried he would be tempted to reconsider.

Master Bailie quickly appeared with a frail and well-mannered Englishman whose dark hair didn't hamper his jolly face and distinguished features.

"Master Colman, please sit down."

"Sir?" he wondered.

"It seems we are dealing with a delicate situation here. Mistress Amy has joined us unannounced. You will understand that I cannot authorize her staying aboard unaccompanied."

"Why is that any concern to me, may I ask?"

"Am I correct in assuming that you are still single, Thomas?"

"Yes, Captain but…"

"In this case, may I introduce you to Lady Amy Colman, your wife… "

I was outraged at the idea, I had not left the prospect of one wedding to be imprisoned in another.

"Captain, this is not what I envisioned…" I tried, but the captain went on ignoring my plea.

"Anyone should ask you, Mistress Colman was sick and is slowly starting to feel better, hence her absence at dinner these past days." he added, turning to Sir Colman.

"Sir, I don't think this is appropriate…" Thomas started.

"I think you shall see that marriage suits you both. You will share the same quarters, of course."

"Sir, I strongly protest against it!" I shouted.

"My dear Amy, I have other matters to attend to than watching over you night and day. This is the best solution to protect you both against the crew." When I frowned he resumed "My men are good sailors, but they remain men nevertheless and are certainly not used to the company of unmarried women. I have your safety at heart! Please, feel assured that this decision will prove beneficial to you both."

"And if I refuse?" Sir Colman asked.

"Then I'm afraid Amy will have to join the main land, swimming."

Hearing this, Thomas glared at me with a mix of anger and resignation.

When he remained silent, Captain White added "Welcome aboard, Lady Colman. Sir Thomas, please show her around. Now if you would both excuse me, I have several matters that require my attention. Master Bailie, I shall speak to my daughter at once, Lady Colman needs some gowns to wear…" he finished, writing my new name on his document.

After a very short and silent tour of the ship, Thomas Colman had invited me to enter his cabin.

The interior furnishings were slightly less ornate than in the captain's quarters but I could tell from them that Thomas Colman was part of the nobility.

His living room was spacious, decorated with a chair and a desk where documents were spread. Next to it, I glanced at his bed whose velvet covers had been delicately sewn with silk. The whole structure had been carved out of oak.

"Please, forgive me, I…If I had known…"

"Believe me, it is not what I wanted either…" he replied, offering me to sit down on his bed.

When I moved away from him, furious, Thomas added "Don't worry, Amy, you're not my type, please do not take offence."

"Of course." I replied, not believing a word he was saying.

"You have nothing to be afraid of. I like for my partners to be more… how to put it… manly."

"I see…" I replied, relieved at his words.

When I remained silent, he went on: "The captain must have had suspicions for a while…it's certainly his way of letting me know he disapproves…"

"On the other hand, you saved my life, and I thank you." I added sitting down, grateful.

"Oh well, let's not make a fuss about it…" he replied, blushing.

After a moment, he went to a cabinet to retrieve a bottle and poured himself a glass of wine. "May I ask you what you're doing here? Wait, let me guess, your husband was a thief and abandoned you? Or worse, you wished to escape poverty?"

"Marriage, I wanted to escape forced marriage."

"Well, it seems destiny has satirically brought us together." he went on, presenting me with a glass.

"How so?"

"My father learned of my…dispositions and forced me into marriage as well. He decided to get rid of me as soon as he heard I would refuse the young lady…" he added, scornful.

"Well, we're partners in crime then."

"It appears to be, although I would prefer the term business partner." he added smiling.

"Excellent, business partner it is." I said extending my right hand which he took and kissed.

"And I think we will have to discuss boundaries too…" I replied whisking my hand away.

"Don't thank me yet. You still have to meet the ladies, and let me tell you that some of them are far more frightening than I am."

He was grinning and I smiled back, not really sure I could trust him so easily.

"We'll have to work on your background too… The key is to reveal as little as possible, using true elements of your life which we can surely embellish…"

"How should you know? I'm sure that with your background, there's never been any need for concealment?" I asked, taking a sip of wine.

"A person like me has to conceal his true personality at a very young age, believe me, I know…" he went on while opening a drawer with the key he had previously removed from his left pocket. Thomas came back with a small box in his hands. Opening it, he let wedding rings appear, together with a beautiful diamond engagement ring. "My mother wanted me to have them, maybe in case I would decide to see reason…" he finished, deep sadness tainting his words.

And for the first time, regardless of my lack of wealth or noble blood, I envied my situation.

"But for one thing, we need to do something about your appearance." After scrutinizing me, Thomas brought an old mirror and gave it to me, before sitting down on his chair.

The reflection it gave back startled me.

"After all, you need to pass off as my wife…"

Margaret was the spitting image of Mum, tall, blond and slender whereas I had inherited most of my features and strong character from my father's side.

My long auburn hair had disappeared under a layer of dirt, my freckles were no longer there and my blue eyes seemed lacklustre. The mirror reflected a girl I no longer recognized, malnourished and tired, in total contrast with Thomas who was tall, had delicate features, his brown eyes displaying wit.

Someone suddenly knocked at the door. Thomas stood up and opened it.

"Ah Master Bailie, thank you deeply."

"Here is your dress for tonight, Elyoner's treat." Thomas said, handing me the most beautiful gown, the fabric of which felt soft, too soft for my fingers.

"Elyoner?" I wondered.

"Captain White's daughter. Now, please, take all the time you need. I shall leave you to it." he finished, leaving his quarters.

I touched the delicate sleeveless dress I had received, it was dark red, trimmed with white lace at the front and at the back. I had never seen such soft silk before.

I poured some water from the porcelain jug into the small basin in front of me and applied it on my face. I felt incredibly alive.

The dining room was grand and sumptuous, oak furniture was in display, a richly embroidered tablecloth was partially overshadowed by plates, clear glasses and shining cutlery. Wine was flowing, elaborated dishes were displayed full of meat and the ladies seemed to enjoy another great opportunity at gossiping.

I had spent all day rehearsing my part with Thomas; how my parents had tragically died, entrusting my childless uncle with me and all their fortune, how we had met and slowly grown fond of each other, until our wedding, a month before our departure. I had tried to remember the names of Thomas's family members and the description of their property. Approaching the table where the guests were talking vividly, my arm holding Thomas's, I felt ready. More than I could ever be, I guessed.

But when they saw us, everyone turned silent, staring, intrigued.

"Ladies, Gentlemen, let me introduce you to my wife, Lady Amy Colman."

All the men stood up, their matching wooden chairs creaking.

One of them whom I recognized – Master Bailie – was indicating some free places at the end of the table.

"Your wife? Thomas, such a secretive man…" added a blond-haired blue-eyed lady sparkling with mischievousness. She was dressed in a green gown made of silk and linen blend with lace at the back.

"I'm a man of many talents, Lady Harvie, one of them is my discretion." Thomas answered, eyeing her husband, who seemed to be to his taste: tall and brown-haired. "Please, excuse my wife, she was feeling rather unwell, the ocean disagrees with her."

"Pleased to meet you all." I answered, curtseying.

"Pleased to meet you, Amy, is it?"

"Yes, indeed."

"I'm Margery Harvie, and this is my husband, Sir Dyonis. Come sit down next to us."

Master Bailie complied and placed two chairs at the indicated spot.

As Margery was introducing me to her neighbouring friends, among which Captain White's daughter and her husband, Sir Ananias, I could not fail to notice how life on this ship, like in England, was also segregated, the nobility and high ranked officers or assistants on one side, the rest of the hundred and eighteen members of the colony sharing quarters and meals on the lower deck.

"What about you, Amy?" Elyoner Dare, the captain's daughter startled me out of my reverie. She was blond and refined, very similar to Margaret but had brown eyes. Her beautiful blue dress with brocades made of thin silk and beading was exquisite.

Her husband, Ananias Dare, was a good match to her beauty, as he was a blond, brown-eyed man with broad shoulders and very good manners as well.

"What do you expect will await us there?" she further enquired.

"Elyoner, don't frighten Lady Colman, these savages will be tamed easily, rest assured." her father answered.

"Nothing will prevent her Highness's loyal subjects from conquering what is hers by right!" Master Sampson added, his size matching his name.

"Long live the Queen!" they all said, raising their glass when Thomas elbowed me, forcing me to imitate their manners.

"I reckon you are right, John, it is our duty to spread our Queen's kingdom." a man named Master Cooper, seemingly younger than the rest of them, resumed "But one should not forget the dangers of such a call."

"With a captain as experienced as Sir John, we are in good hands." another one named Thomas Stevens finished, smiling.

But everyone turned quiet when a tall native Indian entered the dining room. He was perfectly built, his large shoulders, and tall figure emanating a feeling of strength and protection. His bare chest, his strong muscles and necklaces were adding to his already strong vibration. His long dark hair, body, musky scent soon left me confused.

He was wearing a piece of cloth covering his waist. His brown eyes were somehow captivating but I didn't dare stare at him.

"Ah Manteo, happy you could join us." John White immediately said, breaking the ice. "Sit with us."

"Manteo stays here." the Indian added, standing in one corner of the dining room. He was eyeing us all, calmly, when everyone went back to their conversation.

"He…he speaks English?" I whispered to Margery.

"Thomas didn't tell you? He is returning to his island after two years in England. He learned English and will help settle the new colony. He taught Algonquian to a scientist named Thomas Harriet, I think. Yes, that's right. Poor thing, he mustn't be older than twenty and has already been separated from his family longer than any of us." she whispered back.

When I glanced at Manteo, he looked back at me, with such intensity that I started blushing and could no longer hold his gaze.

We were regaining Thomas's quarters in the late hours, both in silence.

Facing the door Thomas was closing, I was intrigued to see Manteo walking past us.

He was observing me.

I was startled out of my reverie by the sound of

Thomas's voice who was locking the door "We need to work on your sociality if you are to survive on this boat…"

Trying to find something suitable to say and still facing the door, I simply answered "Yes, I think you're right." I quickly turned around to realize Thomas was getting undressed in front of me.

"Well, what are you waiting for? You're not going to sleep in your new dress, are you?"

"I…"

Throwing a delicate white fabric at me, he added "Here, put this on. Don't you worry about it, Elyoner has plenty of them and Sir John made everyone believe that all your gowns were too soiled to be worn, due to your seasickness…" he grinned and I felt mortified. "And I promise I will stay on my side of the bed."

CHAPTER 4 –

**A Blast of Air**

The next morning, I was on the deck, the air was soothing. This blue expanse stretching on the horizon was making me feel so small. I was thinking about Margaret and her family, and felt lonelier than ever. Thomas had kept his promise and had not lain a hand on me last night but I was still doubting coming here had been the best solution. I felt like I didn't belong here or in England. I felt an outsider everywhere…

I suddenly sensed a presence next to me.

_Manteo. _I knew. Taken aback and not knowing how to respond, I just looked at him. He was looking back at me, impassive.

"Amy, there you are!" Thomas was almost shouting, quickly walking to us. "I see you two have met."

"Not officially, no…" I added, seizing the opportunity.

"Manteo, please meet Amy Colman, my wife."

I winced at Thomas's comment.

Manteo took my hand, gently in his, and at his touch, I felt my heartbeat accelerate.

"Pleased to meet you." I quickly added, slowly removing my hand. _What is wrong with me? _I thought.

"How was your meeting with the captain?" I asked Thomas, to avoid further thinking about what had happened.

"Everything is for the best! Ah, Dyonis, I need a word. Would you please excuse me?" Thomas said, leaving as quickly as he had arrived.

"I…" I tried, turning to Manteo but he had already gone.

Weeks passed and felt similar to previous ones, as we all gathered every evening, listening to John White's exciting tales of the New World, his audience cheering at any mention of their venture.

We were heading for Chesapeake Bay, which, God willing, we would reach in a month and a half now.

Captain White had already joined in several trips to establish colonies on the New Continent and I understood from his daily comments that Her Majesty the Queen, Elizabeth I, was very keen on hearing his tales of discovery and adventure.

He was more than ever persuaded that trading with natives could be profitable to the Queen's Treasury as well as her sovereignty. The first colony had started trading with Indians, expanding their stranglehold on these so-called savages. Two of them, among which Manteo, had already travelled to England to further tighten the relationship between England and the New World.

However I had learned from Elyoner Dare – John White's daughter – that Manteo's friend, Wanchese, had refused to accompany him on his last trip to England.

I had also understood that the first colony venture on Roanoke Island, two years before, had been prematurely ended. Captain Greenville, in charge of the colony, had been sent back to England and had returned with supplies but too late. Most of the colonists, which he had left on the island, had already been brought back home by Sir Francis Drake – another explorer – whom they had fortunately encountered on site. Some of Greenville's men, at his request, had nonetheless remained on Roanoke.

John White was to lead all of us into forming one single colony – the expansion base of the British Empire.

The _Lyon_ was carrying seventeen women, nine children and ninety men among which twelve assistants and Captain John White who was to govern the new colony.

Every evening I would hear the captain's high ranked assistants all talk, on and on, about the English supremacy and their devotion to the crown, the ideal English society they had been chosen to spread beyond sea. Whereas I guessed their rank in society had always prevented them from suffering from hunger and poverty, like the majority of the English men and women on board.

The Algonquian people were said to be moderately organized but certainly not as refined as the English whose language and manners exceeded theirs in such an extent that conquering these unorganized tribes would be a matter of days only.

I tried to adapt as well as I could, remembering Thomas's words of advice after my first evening in their company, but I kept silent most of the time, still feeling outlandish among them.

I guessed Manteo was probably feeling the same way I did. But whenever he attended dinner, he was always exuding calmness and reserve. I hadn't had the chance to converse with him, our paths never crossing.

I was growing fond of Elyoner and Margery who, like my sister before them, were expecting.

Elyoner and her husband were sharing her father's passion for adventure and were proud to be a part of this new colony to be established. Elyoner was different from all the women I had encountered. She was brave and what I would call a free spirit, for she was constantly underlining the importance of women in establishing a new society.

I could sometimes feel she had obvious reserve about my being married to Thomas Colman, but she never showed it to me nor anyone, always pleased to refurnish my wardrobe with what she called non-essential goods from which she would have to distance herself once on the island.

Margery never took herself too seriously and was most and foremost spontaneous and open-minded.

We would spend hours and hours talking, the three of us on the deck, sharing childhood experiences and laughing at the Establishment especially when witnessing my playing with the children, no matter their social status.

But in that particular afternoon, during our daily meetings on the front deck, not far from Portugal, we all watched the horizon, nervously.

Black clouds had formed with gushes of wind roaring in the sky.

"Amy, Lady Dare, Lady Harvie, come back inside, this instant." Thomas was shouting.

"What's going on, Thomas?" Elyoner asked him.

"A storm is coming. Your father has ordered to close access to the deck and requisitioned the whole crew…"

"Everyone is to go to the hold." Sir Ananias had appeared in a hurry and ordered.

I glanced at Elyoner and she glanced back, obviously as alarmed as I was by this item of news.

"Children, please join your parents now…" I asked them, careful not to betray my concern.

"But Lady Colman…"

"No buts Robert, Captain's orders…Quickly now. And take Jester with you. I'm sure you can find something to feed him with in the hold…" I added, seizing his dog's collar.

Elyoner stayed with me until everyone had evacuated the deck, while Margery was making sure all the children were with their mother and all the women safe in the hold.

All of a sudden, it started raining heavily and Elyoner waved to me, indicating she would join Margery, this time far below deck.

I was advancing towards the stairs when the ship, cleaving through giant waves, violently pitched in a heavy swell that made me fall, pushing me to the edge of the deck. I shouted, ready to land in the violent sea, but quickly felt muscular arms around me.

Manteo had caught me before I could fall overboard and was helping me up.

"Thank you." I said, my heart still beating abnormally fast in my chest.

"Hurry…" was all Manteo replied, having put me back on my feet.

We were the last ones on the deck.

When we entered the hold, the atmosphere, eerily silent, was only interrupted by the cracking sound of the ship, her wooden hull crashing against the enormous waves.

The rolling was even more unbearable than before, rendering all the crew prone to seasickness this time. I sat down next to Margery and Elyoner, who were both staring at me, worried.

The animals were in a perpetual state of fright, even the men trying to calm them down were failing at doing so, probably fearing for their own life.

On the other hand, the women seemed to all conceal their worry so stoically, for their sake or the sake of the children around us that, following their example, I tried to smile as much as I could.

Watching the stairs where Manteo had brought me, all I could see now was an empty space.

That night, I drifted on and off, trying to reason with what was going to happen, trying not to give way to panic.

_I could feel growing excitement at the prospect of my feet touching the immaculate white sand. Incredible birds were flocking around above my head, chirping. All these vivid colours: green, blue, yellow, white… were sweeping through me, my heart was swelling in the face of this marvelous beauty. _

_The air was so fresh and the water so pure that the landscape took my breath away. _

_The water was still at my waist when I joined land for the first time in three months._

_I was walking on the beach, the sun warming my skin, my clothes and my whole being, grains of sand tickling my toes. _

_I was now advancing towards the forest, alone, smelling exotic and exquisite perfumes, touching flowers, tree trunks, plants and admiring their beautiful leaves, the virgin flora of this new Eden. _

_I suddenly saw a group of white geese in the middle of an open field and at its center my mother, opening her arms, welcoming me. _

_The sun, high in the sky, was reflecting on her silhouette and blond hair, blowing in the wind. Some geese were sleeping around her, some others were flying high in the sky. I immediately ran to her._

"_Mum?" Warm tears were trickling down my cheeks as I realized I was holding her, in my arms._

"_Yes, child. I am with you, I have never left you. And when the time comes, I will be there for you too. I love you, always."_

_She suddenly disappeared and my heart constricted, at the lost sight of her._

"_Follow your heart and fulfil your destiny… " I heard my mother's voice echo through my mind._

I woke up in a jolt, nausea spreading through my whole body, as little Ambrose Viccars was emptying the content of his stomach at my feet.

"The storm is over…" I heard George Howe, Captain White's advisor, barge in and announce.

"Is everyone safe?" Elyoner asked him.

"Yes, my Lady but we lost the flyboat…" he answered, eyeing his feet.

"Master Howe, could we bring Ambrose on the deck? He's rather unwell…." I further asked.

"Yes, Lady Colman, certainly."

I stood up, relieved, accompanied by Elizabeth, Ambrose's mother, proud of the _Lyon, _her capacity to live through adversity, further convinced that such a strong ship was the true reflection of the person who had inspired her name.

CHAPTER 5 –

**Slight Wind**

Our surviving the storm had tightened our bonds further with the crew. The men, assistants and ship's boys alike would greet us all, calling us mistresses and using our first name. It seemed to suit everyone for the best.

As it was impossible to host the whole crew in the dining room, it was decided to allow every member to dine with the captain, in turns.

More and more tales were added to the captain's list as his crew loved bringing up new elements about their surviving the hurricane that had hit us so violently.

It was July and the bellies of my friends were now showing considerably.

We were on the deck with the ladies and young girls of the colony, whom we had all befriended, their true nature having been revealed in those difficult conditions that often occurred aboard a ship.

Mistresses Chapman, Jones, Archard, Powell, Viccars and Payne were all happily married to members of the crew. To our question concerning their embarking on such an expedition, they had answered that England had left their husbands with a few work prospect.

They had left English harsh life conditions in the hope of finding a better future on the New Continent.

They were all brave, strong-minded and shared the typical distinctive features of English women.

Only Ambrose Viccars, who, according to his mother, Elizabeth, hadn't only inherited his father's name but also his likeness in being, John Prat, Robert Ellis, and Thomas Archard, without forgetting the Berrye brothers had the privilege of having one or two relatives aboard.

The young boys and girls under the age of sixteen – Agnes Wood, Elizabeth Glane, Jane Pierce, Audry Tappan, Emme Merrimoth, Margaret Lawrence, Joan Warren, Jane Mannering, John Sampson, Thomas Humfrey, Thomas Smart, William Wythers – with among them Master Howe, one of the captain's assistants – were all orphans.

They had easily adapted to life on board, their stomachs full every day for the first time in a long time, the boys all foreseeing their future in exploratory expeditions.

"Land, Captain, I see land!" George Howe suddenly shouted with excitement.

At his announce, we all joined Manteo near the beakhead, trying to catch the first glimpse at our new life ahead.

PART 2

ROANOKE ISLAND – July 22nd 1587

_(…) This in us laughs and weeps, suffers the stroke,_

_Exults in victory, struggles for the crown;_

_Identified with the mind and body and life,_

_It takes on itself their anguish and defeat,_

_Bleeds with Fate's whips and hangs upon the cross,_

_Yet is the unwounded and immortal self_

_Supporting the actor in the human scene. (…)_

Sri Aurobindo

_Savitri_, Book VII, Canto V

CHAPTER 1 –

**Loose Earth**

Leaving Master Fernandes on board, twenty of us had embarked on the pinnace with John White, leaving growing tension behind.

Captain White and Master Fernandes had fiercely argued about our destination, Master Fernandes having refused to take us farther.

But I knew deep within that we were exactly where we were supposed to be. The landscape was extraordinarily similar to the still vivid one from my dream.

I disembarked, Manteo helping me out of the boat, my heart was thudding. The sun was blinding my eyes, the wind and water soothing all my senses on this piece of land, an island on its own, named Roanoke.

As everyone was setting foot on the sand, I could not wait to discover more ground.

The air, the sand prolonging in blankets of luxuriant vegetation, the water, the sun, all the elements seemed so pure and quiet, almost virginal, untouched by greedy empires or rigid structures.

"It is beautiful…" I whispered.

"It is home…" Manteo simply replied.

This island gave me a feeling of real freedom, the freedom to be myself and to let go of judgment about my womanly condition or my expected rank in society.

We were all equals and starting afresh.

I could see that Thomas was as excited as I was to meet the garrison which had been left behind.

Captain White, followed by his daughter, her husband and, eventually, the rest of us, was now taking the lead to Greenville's men.

The trees were huge, but as we were further approaching the settlement, I could hear a deadly silence and feel mounting anxiety in my guts.

No bird, no animal, there only existed this wooden structure that had been raised in front of us, not far from the beach and in sharp contrast with it.

I saw Manteo's face hardened.

"Come out, Captain White's orders!" George Howe shouted.

The atmosphere near the settlement was heavy.

No one answered his call.

"Captain, Sir?" Ananias Dare was asking him how to proceed.

"Let's enter." John White simply replied.

I looked at Elyoner and she looked back at me, her face betraying her shared concern, all of us advancing towards our new home, while Manteo was guarding the gate.

This feeling of dread was filling me ever more greatly as soon as I entered.

Small wooden huts had been erected within the fortified settlement but everything had been left untended. The earth was muddy and brown, no plant, no tree, nothing had grown here.

"Check the houses." Captain White urged his assistants.

"Amy, stay here!" my husband ordered.

While Thomas, Ananias and Dyonis were advancing with the other men, Elyoner and Margery started following their husbands a distance away.

But pushed by unsatisfied curiosity, I approached the fortified wall, ignoring Thomas's order.

I was walking along the wall, putting my hand on its wooden surface, a cold chill suddenly running down my spine. I could feel deep sadness, anger and resentment.

_What happened here? _

I resumed following the line drawn by the wall, careful not to touch it this time.

Horror suddenly struck me when I saw a skeleton, bleached by the sun, in one corner of the wall. And, next to it, seeping a grey vapour, someone was weeping.

I screamed, taken aback.

I was rapidly encircled by nervous men, pointing their muskets at me.

"Lay down your weapons!" John White shouted.

"Amy, I ordered you to stay where you were!"

"I'm sorry…"

"It must be one of Grenville's men…" Ananias added, kneeling next to the remains, without examining the living person staring at all of us now.

"Ambushed?" George Howe asked.

"Probably…" Roger Prat answered.

But no one was addressing the young man in the corner. He was wearing ragged clothes, his muddy face betraying fright.

"What is going on?" I asked, approaching him, his face lightning up in a matter of seconds.

"Amy, who are you talking to?" Thomas was now asking me.

"We need to do something for …" I started but realized I was strangely pointing at thin air.

"Your wife is right, Master Colman, this poor soul will be given a proper burial. Give her some water, she must be in shock…And call Manteo, I must talk to him at once…" Captain White added to John Sampson.

_Have I dreamed all this? _I thought while letting Thomas take me to the central point of the settlement.

CHAPTER 2 –

**Barren Soil**

On this hot day of late July, while Robert and Jester were playing inside the settlement, I saw Elyoner and Margery walking with difficulty, trying to pretend their pregnancy wasn't hampering their obligations as settlers.

I offered them to do their chores and ordered them to rest in the afternoon, an offer they gratefully refused.

Days had passed and the settlers were still demonstrating their organizational skills.

John White's plan was to move north to Chesapeake Bay, our intended destination, before winter, to tighten our friendship with the natives.

In the meantime huts were being rebuilt and decorated, Captain White's assistants taking shifts in guarding the still higher fortified walls.

The new settlement resembled a huge square wooden box inhabited by some fifty houses, with, at its center, a main dwelling place where Captain White was regularly meeting his men. Everyone was assigned a specific task in order to improve our living conditions and women were to work as hard as men.

There had been no sight of the natives, nor of Greenville's men.

I had feared for Manteo's life at the mention of a possible attack being the cause of the deserted settlement. But I also knew that John White needed his presence for trading purposes. Manteo had built his own hut, peculiarly shaped, next to ours. I had seen less and less of him these days and with a heavy heart, I had realized that he was no longer sharing any meals with us.

Thomas, helped by other men, had rapidly finished repairing our house, which I was still hesitating to call home, my only personal contribution to its decoration being my father's cross above our bed.

We were not authorized to wander alone outside of the settlement and were asked, for our own safety, to follow White's rules to the letter.

"Hierarchy and obedience prevail in those forsaken lands Amy…" Thomas had explained to me.

I was still longing for the beach and the marvelous forest not far from us. The walls were preventing us all from admiring the natural beauty beyond them and I had sensed he was feeling trapped as well.

Thomas had kept his word, and I respected him deeply for it. Our friendship was cemented with the mutual promise of not changing who we were, notwithstanding the increasing gossip of my not being pregnant yet…

But he understood me and I him.

The proximity I had felt with the settlers after the storm had somehow vanished with the man I had seen on my first day.

I had decided to remain silent on what I had witnessed and started to think that I had been delusional and that insolation had been the cause of my imagining him in the first place.

This fact tremendously added to the loneliness I was feeling since that day.

Most of the time, I felt like a canary that was unable to fly because of the golden cage it had been locked in.

So, every evening, I turned to the sky instead, all these majestic stars lighting dark nights, under which we could hear the tune of wild animals twittering, squeaking and uttering the strangest sounds to call their pairs, my heart longing for something more.

As we had lost the majority of our food supplies with the flyboat, all the remaining seeds had been planted in a new vegetable garden close to where I had seen the corpse. We were hoping to quickly collect the produce of their growth.

Our only partners on this new land seemed to be the animals we had brought from England: some goats, sheep, hens and roosters. But living on their sole share of milk and eggs wasn't enough, certainly not to feed more than a hundred people. In those difficult times, sharing out was more than ever our strength.

We had killed several sheep to feed the colony and my growing concern was that we wouldn't be able to last if we went on destroying our only source of sustenance.

Aware of the steadily decreasing supplies, Captain White had sent George Howe and some other assistants to the beach to hunt crabs, their flesh known to be nutritional.

I had been busying myself with dusting, cleaning, tidying up with the other women of the colony the whole afternoon.

Time had flown and I was now waiting for the assistants to bring back the meal we would prepare that evening.

I decided to join Margery and Elyoner by the fire, their pale faces giving way to rosy cheeks. They were happily discussing with Elizabeth Viccars and Audry Tappan about the best way of cooking the hunt booty.

The sun was starting to go down as the men were all coming back to the settlement. They were greeted with enthusiasm even if we quickly realized that our meal would be, once again, meagre.

But growing discomfort was spreading, as we learned that one assistant was missing.

Night had fallen. It was time to return to our wooden houses after a silent meal, Master Howe's absence having created profound distress.

At Captain White's request, Thomas was still vividly talking to some assistants in order to prepare the search party that was foreseen on the next day, close to the place on the beach where George Howe had been spotted last. Manteo was to accompany them all.

When I caught sight of him, his eyes were full of concern, I guessed that, like me, he was imagining the worst.

I was staring at the closed wooden gate once again, the guards keeping the entrance under surveillance, and decided to head for our house.

I undressed in our humble abode, my throat still constricted when I saw my father's wooden cross above our bed.

I lay down, alone, my heart pounding hard in my chest.

_I woke up in a jump, drops of sweat beading my forehead, unable to remember what had triggered my sudden waking. _

_The night was still, the air moist and full of scents I didn't recognize. _

_Thomas was sound asleep next to me. _

_I got up, unable to fall back to sleep, decided to go out for a walk and breathe in the freshness of the night sky. _

_Silently closing the door behind me, I saw the full moon illuminating my path and displaying strange shades of orange. Ominous silence reigned. _

_I was heading for the entrance of the settlement, crossing every hut on my path._

_But when I arrived, I saw it was unguarded, the gate wide open._

_Ready to call for reinforcement, I quickly turned around, only to face a dark silhouette, advancing towards me._

"_Help me…" I heard a voice implore._

_When the shape had approached me close enough, I immediately recognized George's face, as pale as a ghost, a dark liquid trickling down his head. _

"_Please, what's happened to me? What's happened to me?" he was now pleading, both hands on his wound._

I woke up screaming.

The next day, still pretending to be resting, I discreetly witnessed Thomas getting ready for the search party, the images of my nightmare still haunting me.

_What is wrong with me? _I had been asking myself repeatedly since last night.

"Are you all right, Amy?" Thomas enquired.

"Please, don't worry about me, I'm fine…" I lied.

Thomas sat down on our bed and repeated his worry. "You haven't been sleeping much lately…"

"I'm concerned about Master Howe, that's all…"

"We all are…"

"Please be careful over there…" I said, unable to give him any further explanation.

"I will…" he replied, kissing my forehead.

As soon as he had left our house, I went out of bed and knelt in front of it.

Closing my eyes and turning to Jesus, like my mother had taught me, I decided to trust George Howe into his hands.

The morning had passed slowly but my heart felt lighter as I was helping Elizabeth entertain the children, who were all trying to train Jester.

Soon, all our heads were scrutinizing the gate as it was being opened to welcome the search party.

Horror struck me as I was watching Thomas and Roger Prat carry the covered corpse of George Howe.

They were all silently advancing in the fort, followed by the cries of women.

The men put Master Howe in front of Captain White's house, explaining that they had found his body, scalped, next to a tree further inland.

"He was probably ambushed while trying to catch some crabs…" Roger Bailie was now explaining to us all.

_This can't be a coincidence, can it? My God, am I going crazy? _

"We can't let these savages get away with it!" Christopher Cooper, one of the assistants, exclaimed, looking at Manteo.

"It isn't my people…" he started.

"Amy, you are rather pale, you should…" Thomas was talking to me but the protests of the crowd were deafening.

"An eye for an eye!" John Sampson replied.

"Those savages do not deserve to live, let's teach them a lesson…" another assistant went on.

"They have to learn the consequences of their action!" a man named Anthony Cage added.

"Yes, they need to be tamed!"

While they were arguing about the best move to pursue, I could see anger and hatred distorting their faces. And I was sensing that Elyoner and Margery were worried by the course of action they were all discussing as well, too quick to follow the path of violence.

I felt ashamed of being among them…

"Master Baillie, put this man under arrest!" John White replied, pointing at Manteo.

"Aye!" all the men were agreeing in unison.

"Do you really think that it will bring Master Howe back to us? Captain, stop this nonsense!" I shouted, my head ready to burst. "You will lose all your opportunities for trading…"

"Let have them a taste of my musket first…" Dyonis Harvie, Margery's husband, answered.

They all laughed in reply.

"Captain, please…" I insisted.

"Woman, do not put your nose into men's affairs. Gentlemen, bring the prisoner inside, and let's finish this discussion." John White replied.

I watched Manteo, whose hands were now tied up, silently follow the settlers, my heart sinking, burning with rage.

I couldn't resolve on letting these men torture him without doing anything.

I waited till the last man had exited the captain's quarters.

Having heard Manteo's crying out of pain all afternoon had been excruciating.

John White had posted two guards to watch over his prisoner but I was more than resolved to pass them.

"I'm bringing some water for the savage…"

When the guards looked at me incredulously, I added "Captain White's orders…" and they let me enter.

When I looked at Manteo, his face and torso bruised, blood trickling down his forehead and chest, I almost stopped breathing, feeling his pain vibrate deep within. I went sitting down next to him and started mopping his head with the fresh piece of linen sheets I had torn apart.

He was barely moving but was still moaning when I touched his wounds, the immaculate piece of fabric turning bright red at my every movement.

"Manteo, I'm sorry…" I whispered.

"What's going on in there?" one of the guards was shouting.

"I'm almost done…" I replied to them.

"Here, drink…" I slowly poured some water in his mouth.

He swallowed it with difficulty.

"Take this as well…" I whispered in his ear, handing him a kitchen knife wrapped in a piece of cloth.

_I was breathing heavily, my musket ready in my hands, my heart beating fast. _

_I was obsessed with one idea only: survive._

_ The others were advancing at the same cold rhythm, the sound of our steps deadened by the high grass around us, plunging us further onto this inescapable path of slaughter._

_ The march seemed endless, the tension mounting in my veins reaching its peak. _

"_I can do this, I can do this…" I was repeating to myself, imitating all the other men around me led by White. _

"_We should be there soon…" I further thought trying to calm my nerves._

_ When I saw Captain White give his signal, I bent, following his orders without questioning them. _

_As I was crawling my way out of the forest, I suddenly witnessed savages, children and women picking up crops. _

_ "It's them or us, it's them or us…" I repeated on and on, ready to trigger._

I woke up, sore and exhausted, in front of Master Howe's body, lit by candles, my stomach churning with guilt…

The next morning, after our night's wake, George Howe was being buried, next to Greenville's man.

I could still feel growing tension among the men even if Master Howe's funeral was imposing a feeling of reverence upon us all.

John White was reading Psalm twenty-four with verve "Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me…"

Thomas was still avoiding my gaze.

He had refused to talk to me about their plan to attack and had not pronounced a single word, not even after the wake. All I knew was that they would keep Manteo prisoner as long as they weren't sure he hadn't been the initiator of the death of one of ours. I was praying God he would seize the opportunity to flee but he hadn't so far.

After the ceremony, while all the women were going back to their chores, I saw the men gather around John White, their muskets and blades ready, Thomas among them.

Knowing it would be my last opportunity to let them see reason, I approached Thomas and put my right hand on his shoulder. "I need to talk to you…"

The captain glanced at me and nodded.

Thomas followed me, away from their group.

"Please, don't…" I started.

But he suddenly stopped me "We don't have any choice, Amy…"

"We always have a choice. These people, these savages as you call them have a family. Have you ever seen someone die? Have you ever taken someone's life? This will haunt you, Thomas." I replied, trying to make a statement.

"You don't understand what it's like…"

"What are you talking about?"

"I've always been different, I've never belonged anywhere. This is the opportunity to prove myself."

"By following stupid orders? Where does it end, Thomas? You attack them, they come here and attack us…We don't even know what happened to George!"

"They have started it…"

"You don't know who is responsible for his death… I thought we had an agreement, I thought we could find peace here…" I further tried.

"Amy, please, we need you, now!" Audrey Tappan was shouting, hurrying to meet us. "It's Elyoner, her labor has started!" she explained, out of breath.

"Thomas, please…" I tried again.

"I'll see you when I get back…" he replied, advancing towards the men, ready to go to war.

When I entered Elyoner's house, Margery was already beside her bed, holding her hand while Elizabeth Viccars was mopping her forehead with a wet piece of fabric.

"How are you doing Elyoner?" I immediately approached her, emptying my head from everything else.

"Amy, tell them, tell them it is going to be all right, they don't seem to believe me…" she answered smiling.

I saw worry on Margery's face when Elizabeth stood up and motioned to speak to me outside.

"I'll be right back…" I replied, following her, Audrey taking Elizabeth's place at her side.

"What is going on?" I whispered, only for the two of us to hear.

"This is beyond what I can do, I think the baby is not head-down…" Elizabeth replied.

At the mention of what Elyoner would have to go through, I suddenly recalled my sister and her courage during my niece's birth.

I realized I missed them all so much…

"I think I can help…" I said stifling emotions. "I need a blade, fresh linen and a lot of hot water…"

I felt relieved when I heard the tiny baby's cry.

I cut the umbilical cord and wrapped Elyoner's daughter in a white sheet, precisely imitating Mistress Geddyng's movements. I presented the baby to her mother, who was exhausted.

"Virginia Dare…You are so cute…" she said kissing her cheeks, her voice faint.

I glanced at Margery, Audrey and Elizabeth and they glanced back at me, sharing my happiness.

The sun was going down when we all left Elyoner's house, her covered placenta in my hands.

As soon as we took a breath of fresh air, we all heard shouts from afar.

"Finally…" Margery said while running towards them.

"Audrey, could you take the jar and clean everything with boiling water?" I asked, knowing with certainty that Elizabeth was also impatient to see her husband.

She nodded, picking up the blood-reddened linens Margery had left behind.

When I saw the silhouette of Ananias Dare, Captain White and Thomas, I decided to walk to them and stopped in front of Elyoner's husband.

I could see worry on Ananias' face, certainly at the sight of what my hands were holding.

"Congratulations, you have a daughter…"

"Elyoner?" Captain White asked.

"She is strong and very brave, but you already knew that…"

John White and Ananias started running to Elyoner, leaving Margery and Dyonis in each other's arms while Thomas was turning to me in mute appeal.

"Amy, I…" he said, his musket still in his hands.

I glared at him, furiously, then left without adding anything.

"Come on Amy, let yourself go…" I was jolted awake, Thomas's hands all over my breasts.

"What are you doing?" I shouted when I realized he had been drinking.

"You're my wife, you have duties! Show me some respect!"

At these words I slapped him in the face.

"If you want people to respect you, show them respect first! Stop pretending to be someone you're not!"

As he was remaining still, I shouted "Get out of here! Now!"

"Fine!" he finished, going to our living room.

I needed to find a way out and fast.

CHAPTER 3 –

**Sandy Grounds**

It was mid August and Virginia's birth was quickly followed by George Harvie's – Dyonis and Margery's son. They had baptized their baby in remembrance of Master Howe who had left us too soon.

No one dared mention Master Howe's death nor the events that had followed it. Everyone pretended nothing had happened. George's birth was another opportunity of prolonging the silence that had conquered the colony.

No one was authorized access to the house where Manteo was being kept.

I didn't know why he was still in the settlement, nor if he ever intended to leave it.

Maybe I should have freed him myself, no matter the consequences…

Since that night, Thomas hadn't uttered a word and had taken the habit of passing out in front of the fire place.

As our food and water supplies were alarmingly decreasing day by day, the seeds we had planted not growing with this arid ground, Captain White had decided to kill almost all our animals.

Furthermore, we were all strictly forbidden outside of the walls erected around us. They were all frightened of what was out there.

I was entering John White's house, where we had all been invited that evening, my throat constricted with a familiar feeling of anger.

The whole colony was already there.

"My friends…" John White started. "We are all gathered here today because, like me, you are well aware of the situation we are in. Autumn is at our gate and we crucially lack reliable food sources and water. Furthermore, we are still under the threat of retaliation…"

_And whose fault is that?_

"Master Fernandes and I agreed on the urgency to go back to England and come back with supplies that would help us go through…"

"What about finding supplies inland?" I burst out.

"Mistress Colman, wait to be addressed to!" Roger Prat immediately interrupted me.

"It's all right, Master Prat. Mistress Colman, I am listening…" John White replied, certainly because I was still in his good graces.

"Captain, Sir, we all know that the natives survive inland. Why don't we go there and find resources before it is too late? We could search for potential supplies and prepare a more permanent settlement… If we stay here, we are all going to die…"

My last words gave way to brooding silence.

But to my surprise, Captain White added "I think we both agree on that Mistress Colman."

After a minute that seemed to last forever, he went on "It is decided that a group will stay on Roanoke and another will go inland to find supplies while we are away. These groups will be formed on voluntary basis. Should the remaining group leave our settlement, they would have to carve their destination into the bark of one of the white ashes near the gate. Should the group be forced to leave in case of distress, they would have to carve a Maltese cross on this tree. Do we all agree?"

"Aye Captain." they all obediently replied.

"I volunteer if Manteo is our guide." I shouted.

"Amy, are you out of your mind?" Thomas let out, accompanied by the whispered consternation of others.

"With all due respect, Captain, I don't know how long we can survive out there, let alone go back to the settlement, without anyone knowing their way..."

"You made a point Mistress Colman."

"Don't you dare, Amy!"

"Master Colman, may I remind you that we are in a state of siege…" and at the lack of Thomas's response, Captain White simply finished "It is settled then."

PART 3

MAIN LAND – Late August 1587

_(…) Through this she sends us her glory and her powers,_

_Pushes to wisdom's heights, through misery's gulfs;_

_She gives us strength to do our daily task_

_And sympathy that partakes of others' grief_

_And the little strength we have to help our race,_

_We who must fill the role of the universe_

_Acting itself out in a slight human shape_

_And on our shoulders carry the struggling world. (…)_

Sri Aurobindo

_Savitri_, Book VII, Canto V

CHAPTER 1 –

**Shallow Waters**

After bidding Captain John White, Master Fernandes and some assistants adieu, seven of us had embarked on the pinnace, ready to write a new chapter in the history of our adventure on the New Continent.

All the other assistants had been ordered to remain on Roanoke, in charge of the settlement and we were to find supplies quickly.

I had managed to hide my tears with difficulty, waving goodbye to Margery, Elyoner and their family.

I was the only woman on the boat we were sharing with John Burden, James Hynde, the brothers Henry and Richard Berrye.

I could feel Thomas's gaze fixed on me, full of hatred as he was still aiming at Manteo with his musket to prevent him from escaping.

The wind was sweeping through the trees as I was scrutinizing, amazed, the silent splendor of the vegetation around us, carried way by the song of their leaves. I had only known the dust, mud and loud livelihood of the city and this landscape presented itself in total contrast with my past.

The river was gently flowing, cradling us all and for the first time in a long time, I felt peaceful.

While the men, worried, were watching the river bank, ready for any possible attack, my eyes were breathing in the scents of freedom and my whole body was soothed by this splendid view.

But all of a sudden sharp pain, like venom, spread fast into my body.

I heard Thomas shout and noticed the others protect themselves from a rain of arrows.

When I glared at my body, I saw one of them planted straight into my womb.

I was suffocating and could no longer breathe but quickly passed out, Thomas's shouts, still resonating in my head.

_Where am I? I am so cold, so cold._

My eyes fluttered open but everything was blurry around me. I could hear screams and shouts, I could smell blood and feel the precious liquid spurt out of my body, my heart beating fast.

Then nothing.

Silence, deep silence in me, and around me.

I felt my body drift away, I was moving.

_Where am I going? _

All my senses shut down.

When I opened my eyes again, I was overrun by darkness, nothing, no one around me.

I was standing in the middle of nowhere…

_What's happened to me? Where am I? Where am I?_

I was trying to advance in this landscape not knowing where to find the way out when suddenly a scene appeared in front of my eyes.

_I could see, feel and smell flesh and blood, forming a pool on the grass. In front of me the carcass of a beautiful animal lay still, guts open. As I was slowly approaching, the silhouette of a man became clearer and clearer. He was wearing a long furry coat and was devouring his meal. When he suddenly faced me, I saw fear in his eyes, reflecting mine, carrying me away, this time, into another landscape._

_I was in the tropical forest whose leaves were brown. I saw men enslaving women, in bed with all their wives, constantly fighting battles, shedding each other's blood, the whole landscape bled dry by their lack of love and I felt the Earth tremble like never before. _

_ I was on a beach, people around me screaming and running in terror, soon to be engulfed by a huge wave. Panic was infiltrating me, in the same way water was infiltrating my body. I was drowning at the bottom of the ocean when I was swept along by another image._

_ I was now on a stone mountain, and could hear a strange incantation being recited. The air was moist, almost suffocating. I approached two shapes, one standing, the other on a bed made of rock. When I saw something shining in the hands of the standing man, cold fear started coursing through my veins. Soon, he was inserting a blade, into my heart, tearing me apart. I started shouting but __everything quickly vanished into a blur. _

_The sun was scorching and the air was dry. Advancing on the sand, I could almost taste it in my mouth. Several people had appeared in front of a gigantic triangular shape. One of them was carrying a huge stone and suddenly collapsed onto the sand. Another man arrived and started flogging him, so violently. I could feel excruciating pain on my back, the familiar metallic taste in my mouth. _

_I tried to shout, to prevent the guard from hurting the man now writhing in pain, but in vain. __The images rapidly tarnished and I went on floating blindly. _

_I was now witnessing thousands and thousands of human and animal sacrifices, creatures whose throats were being slashed open to please gods, my blood running cold, and was suddenly carried away to another place._

_ The sun was high, blinding my eyes. A crowd had gathered in front of me. They were moaning and crying. I felt the urge to quickly go forward and a huge cross rapidly took shape in front of my eyes. When I looked into his eyes, I started crying, collapsing on the ground, a massive surge of incomprehension sweeping through me. _

_I was in a village, left deserted. I started walking slowly, when I heard a piercing scream. I ran to the place where it had emerged and entered a small hut. In front of me, a red-haired man was violently raping a young girl, threatening her with a knife while his friends were holding her entire family hostage. I shouted, enraged, revolt spreading inside me like a mad dog searching for a prey. But no one was listening and I drifted away rapidly._

_I was on a battlefield, several at the same time, my silver armor shining, ready to kill and destroy my enemy, __the same images of killing and death invading me, no matter which weapon was used, no matter who was the killer or the victim, it all ended in a blood bath, the carcasses of men piling up everywhere in the name of extending one's power over others._

_I saw Roanoke Island, colonists, arriving by the million savagely killing Indians, depriving them of their land, torturing and decimating their whole people and culture._

_I was now on a boat, following a man talking in Spanish into the hold, when I saw with horror that twenty men were sitting down there. Dark-skinned prisoners, in shackles, were emptying their stomach on each other. I further saw these men, women and children being hanged, burnt, beaten and killed…_

_My hands were tied behind my back. I could feel flames burning my feet, my legs and hear the victory laughter of a crowd of men, women and children resonating in my head while my whole body was burning._

_Sickness was filling my guts when o__ther flashes were invading my mind;_

_images of babies abandoned or killed, _

_children hit, forced to work in horrid conditions to earn their living,_

_men and women raped and thrown out of tours just for being different, _

_women and girls being dilapidated, raped, humiliated, _

_naked women and children, crying and shouting out of despair, locked in a small dark room,_

_religion wars and epidemics decimating millions,_

_silver balls thrown, destroying everything, leaving only ashes behind them, _

_big silver structures leaking, intoxicating whole cities, _

_hunters cheering, smiling triumphantly while looking at the carcass of a beautiful lion, full of blood, _

_elephants on the ground, their ivory tusks gone, emptying themselves of their blood, _

_poachers killing the last gorilla on the Planet, _

_thousands of fish, dead at the surface of an ocean of oil, _

_deserted lands where nothing grows again, because of men harvesting the soils to the limit of their resources, _

_huge trees being cut, transported, the flora and fauna diversity withering, slowly growing extinct, _

_polluted oceans engulfing whole cities, _

_bones, carcasses of animals and human beings, dead on the streets together with huge piles of trash and sand: the same and only landscape, everywhere in the world. _

_Only death, only death…_

Until the visions stopped, the whole world imploding from her core in an immense amount of matter burning, flames dancing everywhere on Earth, cleansing every creature of their duality.

My heart cold with fear, I went on asking myself_What is happening to me? Where am I? Where am I? _

"Amy…" I heard a male voice whisper.

I suddenly sensed rich flower scents overcoming my nostrils and a sweet and deep chant calling my name. Unwilling to open my eyes this time, I let the chant carry me away…

"Amy, remember…" the voice was urging.

_Amy? Is that my name? Please God, help me, help me… _

_Too much suffering, too much…_

_Why have You left me alone? _

_What have I done to deserve this? What I have I done? _

_Please forgive me, I'm begging you. I give you my life, everything that I am… Please, forgive me._

_Who am I? Who am I? _

_Am I the soldier on a battlefield, armed, ready to destroy the enemy, adrenalin coursing through my system?_

_Am I the torturer, igniting the fire to burn the witch,_

_the Viking, assuaging his violence and anger?_

_Am I the invader killing red skinned savages,_

_the slave owner, relieving me violently into my favorite possession, strangling her with all my strength?_

_Am I the priest shouting the dead sentence to please his gods? _

_Am I the soldier and the enemy, the torturer and the victim, the slave owner and the slave, the killer and the killed, the priest and the sacrificed, the rapist and the raped, the traitor and the crucified…?_

_Am I sadness, anger, hate, guilt and remorse, greed, lust, fear, anxiety, suffering…?_

_Am I destructive ideas, narrow-minded beliefs, violent words, judgements, humiliation, dominion, criticism, low-esteem, despair, injustice, oppression…?_

_Am I violence, killing, rape, incest, revenge, attacks and self-destruction …?_

_Am I darkness? Am I the world?_

Everything swirled, the whole worldand…_ I…I…_

_Who am I?_

CHAPTER 2 –

**Purifying Stream**

I opened my eyes, feeling sore and exhausted, only to realize that I was in a tent impregnated with a fire whose perfumed fumes were soothing.

I could hardly move.

_What happened to me? What happened?_

I suddenly remembered the pain that I had felt, the cold and sharp shape of the arrow that had pierced me, deep within, the blood that had stained my clothes and the images that followed.

When I painfully checked my wound, I realized that my stained dress had been replaced by a long piece of cloth… It had stopped bleeding…

_Where am I? _I asked myself.

Unable to answer from where I lay, I tried to move with difficulty, my feet seemingly refusing to obey. I focused and focused again, until I saw my toes silently curl.

_I can do this, I can do this_ I was repeating to myself, trying to move my legs this time, the muscles protecting my stomach tensing at my attempt.

But all of a sudden, my effort was hampered by the sight of a boy whose brown eyes were analyzing my every movement.

"Wait!" I called him, but he had already gone.

Soon the small tent was filled with the severe look of an old white-haired Indian who had entered.

He examined my former wound and finished his course sitting down next to me, staring at me. When our eyes met, I could feel his wise personality meeting my wild temper, his eyes glittering, sharing his inner wisdom, further reinforced by his feathered headgear.

He didn't pronounce any word. He just sat next to me, reading me like an open book.

I soon felt vulnerable, guilty.

"Please, please, could you tell me where I am?"

He didn't answer, instead, his left hand made a movement that I didn't understand.

Suddenly, another man entered.

_Manteo? _ He was also staring at me, but seemed furious, enraged even.

"What happened to me?" I blurted out, embarrassed.

He took a seat in front of me, his brown eyes reflecting determination.

"Secotans attacked. You were alone, hurt. Powwaw heal." he replied, indicating the wise old man with his right hand.

"You mean Thomas fled and left me behind?"

Manteo didn't add anything.

"Where am I?"

"Croatoan. My people."

"Thank God, please, I need food and supplies, you know everyone is starving at the camp…"

"English kill Croatoan. Croatan move here, inland."

"What are you saying?"

"My mother... others, from village…" his words failing to control his anger and sadness.

"Manteo… I'm sorry…" I added, not knowing what else to say. "But we can't let them…"

Suddenly the wise man started talking, he was conversing with Manteo. I could not understand anything, but his demeanor was calm and steady.

Manteo replied nervously, with swift movements and rage in his voice.

The wise man said one last word and silenced him. He suddenly stood up, ready to leave the tent.

"What… What are you going to do with me?" I asked, panic in my voice.

"Powwaw say you stay here. First you heal."

The wise man nodded and Manteo followed him outside.

Once more, I was left alone, alone with myself, alone in this strange world.

Days or weeks passed and all resembled each other.

I had lost all track of the time and I hadn't seen Manteo since my arrival at his village. I wasn't able to communicate with anyone.

I could walk now and, God willing, I would run away from here as fast as I could. I had discovered my outfit and my boots ready in front of my tent one morning.

The Indian village I had been brought in was large, with women and children bustling about. I had noticed that they were not so different from us: women appeared to be the keepers of their home while men were leaving the village during the day, probably protecting their tribe. Their life revolved around each family unit all sharing their own tent, all sharing one room.

The whole village totally ignored me, even the women I was trying to help during the day were walking away as soon as I appeared. I felt like a ghost wandering in oblivion, totally invisible to the rest of the world.

I slept in the same tent where I had been imprisoned on my first day here, a decision taken by the wise Indian man I knew to be their chief, a decision which seemed to have upset everyone.

_Why have they kept me alive? _I was repeatedly asking myself, as the sun was going down, colouring the whole horizon.

But above all, I was conscious of the precarious conditions Elyoner and the others were still living in as I was eating golden grains mixed with other vegetables.

I felt guilty at my own powerlessness to save them, and at the same time I felt abandoned too, by Thomas and his group. _Are they even searching for me?_

_Tonight. _I further thought. _I'm leaving tonight._

The whole village seemed to be sleeping, while I was leaving the tent, in the middle of the night, boots at my feet.

This scene seemed vaguely familiar as I recalled my departure from Plymouth several months ago.

I was cautious not to make any sound and escaped, once more, without looking back.

I kept on walking fast, as fast as I could, totally blind, the memory of my wound still present when I stumbled on a branch, in the middle of the forest.

I had been reckless, I should have waited to come up with a proper plan. But it was too late and I had no time to lose in this hostile environment.

I tried to stand up but I could feel the scratches my legs had endured. My left knee was bleeding.

When, all of a sudden, I heard a growl.

A lone wolf was staring at me, the moon deepening her stare. I was a prey, totally defenseless.

My heart started racing and I knew that I had just a few minutes left to live. But I would face death fearless, for I had tried to live my life righteously.

I closed my eyes and thought of Mother, praying my death would be quick.

But instead of attacking, I could now hear the wolf retreat. And when I opened my eyes again, she had gone.

I started trembling, and burst into tears, collapsing on the ground. Until my eyelids closed themselves naturally and found comfort in sleep.

I woke up in his arms, awakened by his wild musky scent. I felt secure and protected, from the world and the dangers I had faced, so far, alone.

"Your name…what does it mean?" I asked, my voice faint.

"Fire…"

"Thank you, Manteo." I said before letting my whole body sink into the night.

I woke up, the next morning, still wondering if I had dreamt the events of the previous night.

When I recognized the tent I had been sleeping in, my legs still bruised, I knew I hadn't imagined anything.

I still felt shaken and lost, but I was also grateful, grateful for the opportunity to live, one more day.

I stood up and went out.

No one was around. But instead of escaping, I decided to go to the nearby river where I knew the women of the village were used to bathing.

I slowly got undressed on the river bank. I felt blessed by the sun, warming my skin, enveloping me, the wind caressing my face and the earth sustaining my every step. I entered the water.

The river, gently flowing, felt fresh and healing.

I let my whole body sink to the bottom, and stayed there, eyes open, still pondering if I ever wanted to reach the surface again.

But my will to live was stronger than my despair and aided by my feet, I emerged.

I felt reborn.

I was observing the river I was bathing in, her constant flow, movement of life, cleansing, with force and determination.

And I made a vow to myself to let the current of life run through me, like it was running through this river, I made a vow to myself to become this river, strong and determined, to let no one stop the current of life that was in me.

I turned around, peaceful, when I saw Manteo.

He was standing in front of me, looking straight at me, impassive, his eyes not betraying a single emotion.

I motioned forward, exposing myself to his sight, naked, fierce and strong. I wouldn't let myself be intimidated by anyone. I had come so far, I had won my freedom and the right to live.

I walked on, holding his gaze, when he broke it, to kneel and retrieve my dress. He stood up and slowly gave it to me.

Then he suddenly left, unsettled.

I walked back to the village, not knowing what to expect in view of my escape attempt the night before.

However, instead of ignoring me, the whole village, women, men, children, were staring at me. Interrupting their chores or games, they were all eyeing me silently, as I was moving forward to meet the white-haired Indian who was expecting me, Manteo standing on his left.

When we were face to face, he started talking, motioning to Manteo.

"You made peace with wolf. Here." Manteo translated, his hand on my heart. "You are ready."

"We help colony. Manteo teach Asha Croatoan ways."

"Asha?" I was lost.

"You Asha." And when I didn't respond, he added "Hope."

As I looked back into Powwaw's eyes, a tear slowly trickling down my cheek, I noticed he was smiling at me before disappearing into his tent.

CHAPTER 3 –

**The Crest of a Wave**

"How do you call this?" I asked, showing my daily ration of golden vegetables.

"Pagatowr…" Manteo explained with patience.

"Pagatowr…" I repeated slowly.

"In English?"

"I don't know, we don't have vegetables like this at home…" I answered, still doubting England had ever been mine.

For four days, I had been meeting Manteo every afternoon, and I would go on doing so, except when he was sent to trade with their neighbouring tribes.

He was teaching me his world and I was trying to teach him mine, whereas I was starting to doubt this word meant anything to me. He was eager to improve his English which in turn facilitated my understanding of his way of life. Everyone in the village was showing him deference, as he was one of the greatest warriors of his tribe, along with his three remaining brothers.

Manteo's father, Powwaw, was now their chief and spiritual leader, protecting sixteen families. Three days ago, he had sent a group of six warriors, commissioned to bring provisions to the colony. Among them were two of Manteo's brothers.

Powwaw had had two wives who had died, one of them had been Manteo's mother, their previous leader.

His knowledge of medicinal plants and flowers had already saved many lives, including mine, and, through one of his sons, he was also willing to share his traditions. It was a man I greatly respected, not only for his wise decisions, but also for his way of always seeing the best in people.

Manteo had two sisters: Miakoda – _Power of the Moon _– who was eighteen and married to Milap –_Charitable _–and Minal – _Fruit _– who was younger and always smiling at me.

The more I was learning their ways, the more disturbed I was by what John White and his men had done. They had killed Manteo's mother and older brother – Wematin – their future leader, and his youngest sister – Onawa – along with six young men from his village. The colonists had mistaken all of them for the Secotans who had attacked the colony several times. They had taken their lives in the name of hatred and retaliation whereas Croatoans had only taught me peace and respect.

Every morning, I worked with the women of the village which I greatly appreciated. I loved Indian women for being so delicate but proud and strong at the same time. Even if the men were there to protect them, Indian women had undoubtedly the last word on every subject. Sharing their everyday life, I could see harmony among them, and above all mutual respect.

My knowledge of Croatoan was still limited and communication with them was challenging, but I always tried to give a hand, to the best of my ability.

However the eldest women remained very silent whenever I was around. I knew they had to cope with the grief of losing some of theirs, grief that my people had inflicted.

Wematin's tall, dignified and beautiful widow, Imala, never missed an opportunity to eye me suspiciously whenever I tried to approach her or their two young sons, Keme, whose name meant _Thunder_ and Kesegowaase, who had received his name in honor of his agility while hunting. They couldn't be much older than ten and eight and were often watched over by their uncle, Kitchi, meaning _Brave_, Imala's older brother.

But Kajika, Manteo's cousin, _Walks without sound_ and his wife, Kanti, _Sings_, had welcomed me like their sister. They had three children: a girl, Kewanee, _Prairie hen_, a boy named Igasho, _Wanders, _and another girl who was two, Kineks, _Rosebud_.

With them, I had found that I could really be myself, Kineks never missing any opportunity to ask me to play with her and the other children from the village.

"Come." Manteo asked, taking my hand in his.

As we were walking away from the village, he was leading me to an open field, afar.

I could see they were growing crops and I recognized the same golden vegetable I really appreciated. "Pagatowr!" I proudly said.

Manteo smiled.

I was witnessing Croatoan women burying dead fish next to each plant. "Why are they doing this?" I asked.

"To grow strong, nourish Mother Earth."

I suddenly let my thoughts be carried away to find Elyoner and Margery.

Sadness was filling my heart.

"I am so sorry for what my people did to your people…" I said, trying to hide my tears.

Manteo nodded, avoiding my gaze.

Remembering all the vivid images I had seen and knowing it was maybe the only opportunity I would have, I went on "I…I saw things at the camp…I…"

Manteo was facing me again.

"I saw people… and places I had never seen before when I almost died too… It was like a dream…"

"You talk with Powwaw…" he said offering his hand.

In Powwaw's tent, my head was once more spinning with the scent of herbs. They were both in front of me, Manteo ready to translate.

My heart was hammering against my chest at the thought of being cast out again. But I needed to know what was going on with me.

I started telling them everything I had seen; the young man and George, how these strange places, faces and this feeling of dread had been haunting me since my arrival. I told them about the colonists, arriving by the million, I told them about the slaves with dark skin, the Earth becoming a huge ball of fire…

Powwaw was remaining silent, not betraying any emotion. Suddenly he nodded and started talking.

"Spirit talk…" Manteo translated.

"I… I don't understand…"

"We all come from Kitchi Manitou, Great Spirit: wind, water, earth, sun, rocks, trees, animals, men, women and children. We are all brothers and sisters. When brothers, sisters die, they must go home, to Kitchi Manitou. Some stay here." Manteo explained, his hand on the ground.

"Are you saying I saw ghosts?"

Powwaw nodded again.

"But why are they staying here?"

Powwaw made a sign with his hands.

"Heart closed, no respect for Mother Earth, for Great Spirit. Feed with anger, hate, sadness, regret…"

"What can I do?"

"First find peace, here…" Manteo explained, his right hand on his heart.

"But what about these strange landscapes? Are they places where these ghosts used to live?"

Powwaw started singing, sprinkling some herbs on the fire in front of him. After a moment, he resumed talking.

"No, Asha, memory…"

"Memories? I…" But I was soon interrupted by Powwaw.

"Tomorrow Powwaw show you…" Manteo added "Asha, it is great honour Powwaw show you…"

Thank you…" I respectfully whispered.

We were both leaving the tent when Wyanet approached us both.

She was by far the most beautiful woman from the village. She was tall, her long dark hair and tanned skin adding to her natural beauty. She hadn't uttered a word to me since my arrival. I knew she and Imala were close friends.

She started talking to Manteo, fast, totally ignoring me.

Manteo nodded to her, turned around to look at me and left me behind.

I returned to my tent, my heart ready to burst.

CHAPTER 4 –

**An Ocean of Memories**

"Sun, River, wind, trees, animal, they talk." Powwaw was explaining in his native tongue on our way to the forest.

"Here …" Manteo said taking my hands to put on the trunk of a great oak.

I looked at its bark, its branches, its leaves dancing in the wind.

"Close your eyes, listen…" he further translated.

I did as I was invited, letting the scents of the tree leaves invade me, remembering their colour, their shape, their movement.

"Now open heart, feel…"

I quickly felt my heart swell, energy pouring out from this magnificent tree. I felt more peaceful than I had ever been, tears in my eyes, my whole body warmed and protected by what felt to be a white coat of calmness.

I opened them, grateful, thanking this beautiful white oak in front of me for I knew I had heard its heart beating, its sap spreading life to all its branches and leaves.

"Trees same as Croatoans. High branches, deep roots…You become like trees, high branches and deep roots…then Powwaw will teach you." Manteo finished translating.

That night, as festivities were being prepared to celebrate harvest, I was carefully getting dressed in my tent.

I had been sewing my own dress for the occasion these past days and I was hoping that it would be adequate for the ceremony.

When I went out, I saw the most beautiful fire, erected in the middle of the village, all the men were wearing necklaces made of feathers.

Kajika and Kitchi were beating large surfaces, in continuous rhythm.

The air was filled with the scent of herbs that I knew to be sacred.

As I was advancing I saw Manteo, staring at me. I was still holding his gaze, when Wyanet immediately came to stand next to him. Taking his arm, she quickly indicated where they would be sitting down.

I sat down next to Kanti and her three children.

We were all forming a circle, around the now huge fire whose flames depicted different shades of colour.

Powwaw started singing, his prayer echoing in the night sky, moving me entirely.

I was soon hypnotized by the almost passionate movement of these flames, their dance, letting Powwaw's song and the rhythm of their instrument sweep along all my thoughts, like the flow of the river.

Rapidly those flames took the shape of two bodies, lovingly dancing with each other.

Their movement exuding force and sensuality soon intertwined to merge into one powerful flame, getting brighter and brighter. My mind felt totally confused as I suddenly realized that Powwaw had stopped chanting and someone was touching my shoulder.

"Asha." I felt Matuunagd's hand, Manteo's younger brother, inviting me to follow him as dancers were moving forward.

Facing me, I saw Manteo leave with Wyanet, and felt my heart shatter, breaking into sour pieces.

I excused myself as quickly as I could and went back to my tent to silently cry, as I was no longer able to contain my emotions.

CHAPTER 5 –

**Fast Flowing River**

Unable to sleep all night, I decided to go back to the river near the village at first light and sat down on the river bank. I stayed there, motionless, holding my knees against my chest, trying to find some peace of mind.

"Asha…" Manteo had found me.

He came sitting down next to me, remaining silent, as I was watching the river flow. I could feel my heart pounding fast, then slowing down as I was breathing in the air around me. I could feel the sun, on my skin, warming me, I could smell the earth and water, the scent of flowers and grass around me. I could hear the wind, whistling in the leaves, singing even and a deep voice _Remember…Remember who you are…_

I was interrupted by a sudden call from afar. "What's going on?" I asked, feeling anxiety growing.

"Come." he replied, tension in his voice.

We ran back to the village, Manteo immediately approached by Wyanet.

When she took his hands, my heart constricted again.

They started talking, fast but I thought I had understood the word Secotan. I knew that Croatoans were trading with the Secotan tribe but I also knew that conflicts had happened before, the Secotans too keen on using violence whenever they deemed the terms of the trade unsatisfactory to them. I also remembered what they had done to George Howe.

When Manteo nodded to me, I knew I had to hide, knowing for certain that my presence here could put them all in jeopardy. I nodded back to him.

He then left to join Powwaw, his brother and the other warriors from his village.

Wyanet threw a glance at me, apparently furious and left.

I was heading to my tent when I heard Imala calling her sons. I knew Keme and Kesegowaase had planned to go hunting rabbits that morning.

"Imala…" I said, touching her shoulders.

She turned around and glared at me, worry on her face.

"I know where they are…" I tried "Keme, Kesegowaase, ouray lulu" _Arrow, rabbit_…

But she ignored me totally and resumed searching for her boys.

_I need to do something…_ I further thought.

I gathered all my courage and started running in the direction of the fields, careful to avoid the route Powwaw and his warriors were taking. _I can do this, I can do this _I was repeating to myself.

I arrived, sweating, searching frantically through the tall crops for Keme and Kesegowaase, not far from the main path leading to the fields, when I heard the grass move, I knew someone was near.

I quickly lay low, hoping the crops would hide my presence to them all.

I saw feet in front of me and heard the familiar voice of Powwaw, greeting the leader of the Secotan tribe.

A voice I didn't recognize, replied, enraged. "Weembot wopposhaumosh…" he went on.

_Wopposhaumosh… I know what it means… White! They're talking about white men…_ I realized as I suddenly saw Keme and his brother, hidden, their body on the ground, not far from where I was.

As I met their gaze, I motioned them to keep silent. They slowly imitated me, crawling back into the fields.

I waited until sundown before joining the boys, having made sure the Secotans had left.

When we arrived at the village, Keme and Kesegowaase ran back to their mother.

Manteo was next to her, angrily staring at me.

She quickly escorted her sons to their tent.

I walked on and stood in front of him.

"You want to die?"

"I'm sorry…" was all I could say, when he left me standing alone.

I suddenly saw Imala's brother, Kitchi, with a tear-streaked face. I asked him what had happened in Croatoan.

He answered by taking me to the far end of the village. And there, I observed, horrified, the bodies of the six warriors Powwaw had sent to the colony, dry blood around their bullet wounds, their family crying around them all.

Powwaw had lost two more sons, because of me.

I shut my eyes in shame and started sobbing, helpless tears sliding down my cheeks, my heart bitter.

PART 4

HOME

_(…) This is in us the godhead small and marred;_

_In this human portion of divinity_

_She seats the greatness of the Soul in Time_

_To uplift from light to light, from power to power,_

_Till on a heavenly peak it stands, a king. (…)_

Sri Aurobindo

_Savitri_, Book VII, Canto V

CHAPTER 1 –

**Flickering Light**

Still unable to sleep and while carefully folding my ceremony dress, I started thinking about the colonists and their family, all the people I had left in the settlement.

I was confused by all these ambivalent emotions. I was so angry at them all, for what they had inflicted to the Croatoans. At the same time, the Secotans had talked about white people. Maybe they were planning an attack… and I couldn't bring myself to let them die without doing anything.

_My being here is too dangerous to them all anyway_, I was trying to convince myself.

Feeling totally out of place here, this idea was the incentive I needed to leave.

But this time, I knew my way around.

Carefully prepared, I decided to follow the river, leaving everything behind, my heart included.

I had been walking for hours, letting the full moon show me the way. I was further walking into darkness, choking back tears.

_The air is still warm_ I noticed, at the same time listening to all the sounds around me.

I was no longer frightened of the nature, recognizing in every chant, the voice of Mother Earth.

I decided to sit down and rest for a few minutes when I heard a small branch crack behind me.

I was turning around when hands suddenly covered my mouth.

Gripped with fear I started kicking my aggressor when I felt something hard hit the back of my head.

I passed out.

_I woke up, my head throbbing. I was on the ground, my hands tied up in front of me, ten white men observing me. _

_It was pitch-black. There was no light except the torches my master's friends were carrying._

_The air was moist and warm. _

_Feeling, in my whole body, the rhythm of every kick and beating, tasting the familiar liquid in my mouth, I suddenly recalled the sound of axes we had been forced to use to cut down a large share of trees to prepare the ground to grow sugar canes. The green landscape of Oak Alley had quickly given way to muddy fields then… It seemed so long ago. _

_His friends were all cheering, encouraging Georges Adler to finish me off, while my wife and children were burning at the stake, their groans muffled by the loud barking of their dogs._

_As I had managed to protect my right eye from their blow, I threw a last glace at the trees around me. _

_These oaks were so huge, all silently bearing witness to my people's slow and deep agony._

_Soon, the pain was replaced by a floating sensation. I would die here, I was certain of it, I was longing for it as I had no more reason to exist. _

_Cassisus… _I heard the name echo deep within...

I opened my eyes with a jolt.

Around me, nine Indians were talking vividly. As I was trying to stand with difficulty, they started laughing. Their shadows were dancing in the middle of what seemed to be a cave, their faces distorted by the light of their torches.

"Untie me, you have no right!" I ordered showing my hands.

"Silence…" one of them, probably their leader, said in Algonquian. He was tall, wearing a series of ostentatious necklaces. His brown eyes were full of hatred, his jerky movements full of violence. "You are nothing…" he resumed in English after kicking my legs, forcing me to bend in front of him.

I suddenly understood who this man was, remembering John White's tales about Manteo and his friend, Wanchese.

"Please, let me go!"

He spat at me in reply.

"But I've never wronged you!"

"White men deserve nothing..." he added, motioning to his soldiers.

"Please, I…"

But I was soon taken away by one of Wanchese's warriors, who was pulling me by the hair.

I started shouting, fear coursing through my veins.

He put me next to the rock face of the cave whose dampness was quickly spreading in my body and resumed laughing, his heavy breath all over my face. Suddenly he tore my dress apart, uncovering my breasts.

I shouted even more and tried to struggle, in vain. He had his hand on my mouth, covering my cry for help.

He hit my head against the surface and knocked me out.

_I could hear screams from afar. My brother was standing in front of me and I could read his distress._

_ "Hide there and keep quiet…" Mum whispered to me, indicating the bed._

_ I complied, fearing for our life._

_ A soldier entered giggling, speaking a language I hadn't heard before. Soon, I could tell they were several, holding my father hostage._

_ I could hear my parents' moaning as they were both on the floor, blood dripping from my mother's mouth. When I looked into her eyes, I sensed deep sorrow and fear._

_ One of the men caught me by my feet and retrieved me from my hiding place. He started laughing even more and put me on the bed, holding me still, his blade at my throat when he started removing his trousers. Violaine…_ I remembered.

A surge of pure adrenalin woke me up. I was still surrounded by darkness and dampness.

My body, cold and sore, made me realize I was still alive. I tried to sit down, my whole body trembling with the memory of what I had been inflicted on, my hands still tied up. I felt nauseous, disgust spreading to all my organs.

All of a sudden, I saw a feeble light approach me.

I quickly recognized Wanchese, holding a torch and immediately tried to hide, like a beaten animal.

"No escape now…"

"Please, help me, somebody!" I cried out, a wave of panic engulfing me.

"You alone…" he added, sniggering, kicking my stomach.

I protected myself as much as I could, fearing his next blow.

"You are nothing!"

I started crying which made him laugh even more. He had won and resumed humiliating me for what seemed to be hours.

When I was on the verge of passing out again, he left me there, barely alive in the dark.

Regaining consciousness, I felt relieved to realize he had gone but I knew he would be back, and I didn't know how long I could go on enduring this violence… I was totally defenseless, at the mercy of Wanchese and his cruelty. I was a mere shadow of my former self…

I burst into tears.

My mind was racing, trying to find a way out, my thoughts rapidly turning to Manteo and his village…

But my eyelids were too heavy and I sank into a deep sleep.

CHAPTER 2 –

**Blazing Flames**

My head was hurting so much, I felt ice cold and I started shaking. I could hear my heart-rate was slowing down, deep below, when I gave out a last breath, eyes closed, frozen.

_I can't see anything, _

_I can't smell anything, _

_I can't hear anything, _

_I feel nothing, _

_I am NOTHING… _I thought, letting go…

Until I heard Powwaw's voice echo inside of me.

_High branches, deep roots… _

I let my mind concentrate on his words.

I inhaled and exhaled, still more focused.

_Listen to your heart, hear its beating, spreading life like the sap of every tree, the energy of every rock, the core of every living creature._

_How? They have won…_

_No Asha, they haven't. You are this powerful fire inside… this is who we all are… Look beyond what your eyes can see…_

_ Please… I'm scared… _I begged.

_Asha…_another voice said.

I woke up disorientated.

_My God…_ I thought, realizing where I lay.

_How long have I been here? _I asked myself, nausea still settling in my stomach.

I tried to calm down by focusing on my breathing and felt lighter.

My eyes started adjusting to the absence of light.

I could now distinguish the contours of the cave I was still kept in.

My attention quickly turned to the echo of steps, approaching.

Two warriors were now in front of me, the light of their torch almost blinding me.

They took my tied hands and pulled me up.

I didn't say anything nor resisted and started walking behind them, out of the cave, but this time, fearless.

How many hours or days had passed? I wasn't sure…

Wanchese was in front of me, encircled by his men, torches burning in the silent night.

I looked into his eyes.

He started talking to his group and I understood that he wanted to use me to lure the colonists outside of the settlement.

_There are survivors…_ I felt relieved at the delivered news even if I was still fearing for their lives.

I was still fixing his eyes when he smiled sadistically and ordered one of his warriors to stand next to me.

"What do you want from me?" I yelled, enraged.

"We destroy you and all white men!"

"You're no better than the white men you hate!"

And at these words, he slapped me violently.

"You don't scare me, do you hear me? You will never destroy me, never!"

He turned around and started walking without throwing me a last glance, leaving the torches behind, the only beacons of light in this dark night sky.

We were advancing, still further in the forest as we had for hours when I heard them all stop.

One of them moved towards me and my jailor and they suddenly carried me away.

We were now far from the group, one of them was forcing me to sit down. When I refused, the other hit me hard.

I fell on the ground. But I wouldn't let them knock me out again.

The man who had hit me was on top of me, his arms restraining me.

I resumed fending off, trying to push his body away from me, shouting, but his friend was already there, taking over, trying to maintain me still and silent.

When I heard a strange sound, cleaving through the air, one of my assailants fell onto the ground.

The other who had restrained me, stood up, weapon in his hand, when he was hit, and this time I saw the arrow that had pierced his heart.

Tears were clouding my eyes as I was trying to stand. But I soon felt soothed by muscular arms helping me up.

"Asha, come, quick." Manteo whispered, cutting my ties. He quickly retrieved his arrows from the oozing wounds of my attackers, and we both fled without looking back.

CHAPTER 3 –

**Agni**

We had been running for I didn't know how long, my legs were shaking, as adrenalin was still coursing through my veins.

Wanchese and his men must have carried me far away, for I didn't recognize anything in this dark landscape.

Probably sensing my distress, Manteo was still helping me go forward, holding my left arm. He seemed to know where we were heading.

I could hear we were approaching a waterfall.

We had taken shelter on a mountain, water falling down in front of us, the virgin landscape lit by the moon and stars, spreading out on the horizon, both hidden from the rest of the world.

"Rest now." he said, his strong voice muffled by the sound of falling water.

"No…" I vividly answered, unable to find peace after what had happened.

Manteo was standing, silent. He respectfully hid my naked breasts with the torn part of my dress.

I could feel his anger, tensing his muscles.

Taking his right arm, I simply said "Let Wanchese be consumed by his hate, don't let him be the end of you, because I didn't…" When I sensed he had calmed down, I resumed "They're planning to attack the colonists, we can't let them murder people…"

"Powwaw know, send me warn white people." And he suddenly asked "Asha, why leave?"

"I wanted to warn the settlers, I… I thought you would let them die after what they did to your people… And I… I'm an outsider…" I replied, confused.

Manteo was looking straight into my soul and resumed asking me "Why?"

"I… I don't belong with you... Wyanet does…"

"Asha…" he said, now looking at the waterfall.

In the face of his silence, I simply added "You regret saving me…"

"No!" he replied, facing me again, angry. And having said that, he took my face in his hands. "I am sorry… for what they did to you…"

His eyes were still on me when he approached his face closer to mine to kiss me.

I felt my heart open up to find his.

CHAPTER 4 –

**Shooting Star**

I woke up, my head resting on Manteo's muscular chest, his scent having become mine.

The sun was slowly rising.

He looked at me and I looked back at him, his right hand caressing my hair.

He hadn't left me behind, he hadn't left me…

He stood up letting me admire his sculptural body.

I imitated his gesture, in silence, careful to put the torn side of my dress behind me.

He was still fixing the waterfall, his back at me when all of a sudden my heart resumed pounding hard in my chest. Was he having any regret? Was he feeling the same way I was feeling about him?

I put a hand on his shoulder.

He was facing me now, his hand finding its way back into my hair.

But suddenly, we could hear steps, drawing nearer.

I searched for his eyes, panic-stricken, not knowing what to do, for I knew that the Secotans had found us.

Manteo's eyes betraying fear, he quickly glanced at the waterfall and shouted "Jump…" taking my hand.

My longs felt like exploding when I reached the surface, fighting for surviving, fighting to live.

The river rapids were wild and I had trouble keeping my head out of the water.

_Manteo… _

He was nowhere around me.

I let my body float, as long as I could, until, in the distance, I saw a tree whose long stump had found its way into the river.

Drawing level with its branches, I held on to one of them, heaving up my body with all my strength.

Panting, I tried to rest on the tree root, my heart racing relentlessly.

I had been walking for three days, only resting a few minutes to catch my breath.

I knew I needed to keep on, no matter what.

_Come on Amy! _

But I knew I was no longer Amy, I had seen too much, lived too much.

I was Asha, strong, courageous, following her heart wherever it would take her.

The river had given me the length ahead I needed to warn the settlers.

I was just hoping I wouldn't be too late…

I was watching the sky, knowing that the fresh wind was showing me the way.

Hope illuminated my heart when I recognized the mouth of the river we had taken on our way out of Roanoke.

I started running when I heard heavy steps, advancing towards me and the breathing of a dog, leading them.

_Jester?_

"Dyonis"I shouted, recognizing their voices, but I stopped abruptly when I saw Manteo, his hands tied, his forehead covered in blood. Thomas was holding the other side of the rope, pulling him like an animal ready for slaughter.

"Who's there?" Henry Berrye was asking.

"Release him immediately!" I shouted.

"Don't move or you're done with!" Dyonis answered, aiming his musket at me, preventing me from going any further.

"Amy?" Margery was shouting, her son crying.

They were all glaring at me now, unbelief written on their faces.

"I'm still alive because of this man, release him, now!" I cried out, angry.

"Manteo's a traitor!" Henry added.

"It's not her, Amy is dead…" Thomas shouted.

"Amy…" Elyoner was running to me, Virginia in her arms. "Amy, please help us…"

"Do as she says!" Elizabeth ordered Thomas.

Without losing any time, I went to Manteo and untied him, my eyes brimming with sudden tears.

"What have they done to you?" I was asking, more to myself. "I'm so sorry…"

"I am fine." he said, while I was still avoiding his gaze. He put his hand on my chin, inviting me to face him. "I am fine."

"What's going on here?" I could hear panic in Thomas's voice.

"The Secotans are coming. Manteo and I came to warn you…" I glanced at him before going on.

Manteo nodded.

"…and offer you shelter. We must go. But not before you swear to respect the people who are offering you protection. Your bloodshed ends now!" And when I said so, observing them all, I saw how lost and scared they were.

"What about my father? He would never leave us behind…" Elyoner asked.

"We will come back to warn him in time, I promise you."

"Amy, I'm not sur we can go on in these conditions…" Audrey said, turning to Elyoner.

And when I noticed she was holding Virginia tight onto her chest, her daughter still silent, I sensed what Audrey had meant.

"Elyoner, let me look at her, please."

"She is fine, Virginia is fine, you know she is, Amy." she was repeating, holding on to her baby.

"My God… Elyoner…" I said glancing at the tiny lifeless little girl. "Elyoner, look at me. Look at me! You have to let her go now…"

She was still rocking Virginia in her arms, when she started weeping.

I slowly took her baby, wrapped in her grey linen.

"Let me…" Elizabeth suggested, taking her friend's daughter.

Elyoner had collapsed on the ground, crying out of despair.

I knelt next to her and took her in my arms, rocking her to solace, rocking her to peace.

CHAPTER 5 –

**Flames lighting up the skyline**

Virginia was buried inland, surrounded by us all, a ray of light illuminating her tomb, following the colonists' own tradition. Elyoner had carved a stone next to Virginia's final resting place to warn her father and his crew.

Elyoner, Thomas, Margery, Dyonis and their son George, Henry Berrye, Audrey Tappan and Elizabeth Glane: they were what was left of John White's colony, eight people whose bodies were marked by starvation and hopelessness.

Thomas hadn't pronounced a single word to me, pretending I wasn't there. I came to understand from Margery that he had come back to Roanoke with the Berrye brothers and that John Burden had been left to die on the river bank, like me. Every day had seen its lot of sufferings and deaths. They had stayed within the settlement, as long as they had been able to, repelling Secotans' regular attacks, waiting for John White to save them. But barely nourished, the survivors had decided to move on, leaving the name of their destination on a nearby tree: Cro.

Virginia had died of dehydration, so had half of their group.

Some colonists had gone mad and had chosen to terminate their life, turning to the sea, some had started attacking others and had to be put down, as Dyonis said it.

On our way back to the Croatoan village, Elyoner was still mute, avoiding us all. I couldn't blame her.

As I was explaining what they had done to the Croatoans, I knew, deep within my heart, that they had regrets, even if they didn't say anything.

Manteo was leading us all, accompanied by Jester, Robert's dog, on his guard.

We had been walking for hours when Manteo suggested resting after dusk.

The sun was going down, illuminating the orange, yellow and pink leaves of the trees all around us.

Manteo had warned us against making a fire which would have rendered us too visible.

He had plucked and distributed edible berries.

I sat down next to him, the rest of my friends mute and exhausted.

Jester put his golden face on my lap.

"Manteo…" I whispered. "Wanchese…"

He nodded, his face depicting pain.

"I thought he was your friend…"

After a moment of silence, Manteo started explaining

"I am sixteen when our parents send me and Wanchese to go with white men, to trade. In England, we see big ships and lands… Wanchese come back here and want revenge."

"I still don't understand…" I ventured.

Manteo answered in Croatoan and I translated for the others.

"When Wanchese got back, his mother and father, all the children and warriors of his tribe became very sick. This strange disease was spreading fast and decimated almost all of them. They sought my mother for advice but she had never seen anything like this before. She prepared herbs and managed to cure some of them. Wanchese's heart was filled with hatred and sadness. He decided to gather all the warriors the epidemic had spared to make sure this never happens again…"

"But why don't you hate us all too, after what we've done to your mother, to your people?" Thomas asked, turning to Manteo.

"Asha… She teach me peace…"

We finally arrived after a week, relief washing away my sorrow. As we were all advancing, the village was ominously silent.

I still didn't know how the villagers would react at the sight of the colonists responsible for so many of their members' death.

I observed Manteo and could sense his worry too, when we caught sight of some Croatoan women.

I noticed Kanti was among them, dried tears on her cheeks, her face contorted with pain.

Wyanet ran to Manteo and took him in her arms. He slowly removed her arms from around his neck.

She soon broke down and wept.

When Imala led Manteo into his father's tent, I feared for the worst.

"Go…" Kanti added, pointing at the tent.

I complied, leaving the settlers.

When I entered, I saw Powwaw on the ground, herbs filling in the entire air.

He was dying, a fresh arrow wound in his sternum.

Manteo had knelt down next to his father and was holding his hand.

"My son…" Powwaw said.

"Father? Who did this? Who?" I understood, Manteo's voice hoarse with sadness.

"My time has come…" I understood.

Powwaw asked me to approach him.

I knelt, facing Manteo, when his father asked him to translate "At first, Great Spirit, The One, created Universe, Sun, Moon, Stars, Earth... Earth, our Mother, protect us, nourish us, love us. From her womb, Mother create Life: Fire, Air, Earth and Water, Rocks, Trees, Animals and humans.

We are all children of the Great Spirit. World is changing. Many will come here. You… guide them, unite us."

"How?" I asked, warm tears rolling down my cheeks.

"Ho'oponopono" Powwaw answered with great strength and simplicity.

"What does it mean?" I asked Manteo.

"I love… thank… and ask forgiveness to Great Spirit and Earth, Father and Mother.

I love… thank… forgive and … ask forgiveness to my brothers. I go to the Great Spirit… in peace... I wish… peace… to all." he translated, his voice quavering.

And at the mention of these last words, Powwaw took my hand and put it into Manteo's. "No cry Asha, no end, only beginnings…" Manteo finished translating when Powwaw let out a last breath.

Powwaw was buried in a wooden temple, with his beautiful feathers, alongside the former tribe chiefs and close to all their lost ones.

After the ceremony, Manteo gathered everyone in the middle of his village and asked me to stand next to him.

"Asha, you translate…"

I nodded in response.

"My people. My heart still cries for my father and all our dear ones. But it is time to forgive and move on. My father willed it so and as your new leader I will it so. The Secotans, led by Wanchese, want war with the white men. They will come to kill them all. It is time for us to move and join my mother's brother, it's time for us to establish peace."

At these last words, Manteo's tribe started regrouping. They were preparing their leave, each one appointed to a specific task, taking down their tent.

Manteo joined them without adding anything.

What was left of the colonists looked distraught, not knowing what to expect.

"What now?" Audrey asked.

"Now we follow them…"

CHAPTER 6 –

**Fire Briskly Burning**

It was the morning of our fifth day walking further inland when we arrived at Dyami's village, Manteo's uncle.

We were all profoundly affected by the loss of Powwaw and our sudden departure.

Kajika had spent an evening with the settlers to explain what was awaiting us, however Dyami's village was larger than what I had envisioned, spreading in the shape of a whirlwind, with at its centre, his tent.

His name meant _Eagle. _He was less tall than Manteo but I recognized the same features as he was facing us all.

His wife, Aponi – _Butterfly _– was standing next to him, their whole tribe observing us. She was tall and elegant, exuding confidence and sincerity, her long braids touching her shoulders.

Manteo was advancing alone, the rest of the village reverently waiting. He gave his uncle a series of presents, among them herbs, from Powwaw. His uncle bowed, accepting them all and they both entered his hut while we were left alone.

Elizabeth, Audrey, Margery and Elyoner all looked at me, I knew they were wondering, as I was, if they would be accepted here.

But I was certain deep within that we would, for I knew the Croatoans to be peaceful and compassionate.

After what seemed to be an hour, Manteo and Dyami appeared.

I started translating Dyami's words at his request "My people, today we welcome Manteo, his tribe and the strangers from far away as members of our village. Please find peace with our tribe…"

We were all given a bowl filled with green vegetables. I put my right hand on my heart as a sign of gratitude. The colony followed, Jester moving his tail in anticipation.

We all sat down to eat our meal in silence. Even Jester seemed exhausted after having a taste of our meal.

But I quickly felt out of place, my heart still aching from what I had endured. And now that we had arrived at Dyami's village, my mind resumed spinning, clouding my head with awful memories.

I was suffocating.

I stood up and started walking, Jester following my every move, to arrive at the borders of their village. I needed to gulp in fresh air but somehow I felt incapable of doing so.

I felt the touch of a hand on my left shoulder and turned around.

It was Aponi. "Asha…" she simply said.

I smiled but my eyes, betraying me, started watering, and, all of a sudden I collapsed on the ground.

My body was exhausted as I had been incapable of sleeping for a week.

I broke down in tears, unable to control the flow of emotions sweeping over me when Aponi took me in her arms, whispering words I didn't understand, until I finally dared close my eyes.

PART 5

BEYOND

_(…) In body weak, in its heart an invincible might,_

_It climbs stumbling, held up by an unseen hand,_

_A toiling spirit in a mortal shape._

Sri Aurobindo

_Savitri_, Book VII, Canto V

CHAPTER 1 –

**Baryon**

_The crowd that had gathered around the stake was cheering. I caught the sight of a child. This little girl could not be older than five. She was crying, her long brown hair hiding her muddy face and her hand holding a woman's who was smiling victoriously._

_I was powerless, the smell of my burning legs and my melting feet had invaded me, my whole body screaming in pain_.

_Magenta, _I cried out, recalling her name.

I woke up exhausted, disgust spreading to my whole being. I ran outside and violently emptied my stomach on the ground near my tent.

Certainly alarmed, Jester had run to me and was gently licking my feet.

But he wasn't the only one. Manteo was handing me a bowl of water. "Umpe…"

"Please, you don't have to…"

"Asha, tell me what to do…"

"Nothing, it will pass…" I said, knowing for certain that it wouldn't.

The colonists had found a home living within Dyami's village.

He had invited all of us to build our own tent and

Elyoner had gratefully welcomed the distraction that had been offered: she had immediately started sewing fabric to supply the men with all the required material while Thomas had silently been working with Dyonis and Henry, erecting wooden structures.

The children of the village had been teaching Croatoan to Elizabeth and Elyoner, Audrey and Margery had grown fond of spending time with the women of the village whom they met every day for tending the huge vegetable garden, all the while keeping an eye on baby George. Henry, Dyonis and Thomas were regularly meeting Dyami's warriors to go hunting. Even on such an occasion, the Croatoans had found a way of feeding sustainably, always asking Mother Earth's permission before each hunting party, thanking every animal for their life.

I thought I had found the peace I had been looking for too. But the nightmares had nevertheless resurfaced, leaving me totally restless.

However, I was rejoicing at the idea of attending a meeting, organized by Aponi and gathering all the healers of nearby villages. Maybe I would find the answers I was searching for and it would give us the opportunity to strengthen good relationships with neighbouring tribes, while showing them that peace was possible among us all.

Back from the river, I was heading for the forest with Aponi – our regular activity whenever she needed new medicinal plants or roots.

My friendship with her was more than ever flourishing. I was most of all touched by her respectful and benevolent presence towards us all.

By the way she was looking at me, I could sense she had understood what was in my mind.

"The nightmares keep coming back… I don't know what to do…" I explained in Croatoan.

Aponi resumed looking at me, replying in her language "Heart consumed with fear cannot breathe…You'll have answers soon…"

CHAPTER 2 –

**A White Rose **

We were all gathered in a tent whose fire was not only warming but also purifying the air all around us.

Thirty men and women were eyeing me as I was invited to sit down.

Aponi started welcoming them all, explaining that Powwaw had asked her to finish what he had started.

They all nodded.

I felt lost.

Aponi spread more herbs in the fire, and they all started singing a deep chant that I had never heard before.

My eyelids felt heavy and I lost consciousness.

My heart was electrified by what felt like a thousand volts and a blast of powerful light coming from its center. I could feel energy enter me, from my feet, and the top of my head, joining and enlarging this warmth inside of my heart, enveloping and comforting all of me. Soon this energy increased, my whole body ascending fast, vibrating more and more.

When my ascension stopped, I opened my eyes and saw a beautiful landscape where the grass was of a bright green.

A waterfall of crystal clear water was illuminating the fields of trees, flowers and plants.

The sun was reflecting on the mountains and minerals around us.

I saw luminous birds of colours so bright I could not describe, animals running, free and caring for their babies…

Everything was sights of Love – Mountains, Beaches and Meadows, Deserts...Mating Dances…Births…

Scents of Love – flower perfume, the smell of grass and rain, the odor of sand…

Sounds of Love – the sound of Waves crashing on the shores, of Wind blowing through Leaves… Birds, Whales… singing, communicating with each other…

I could hear their heart, feel their essence, converse with them all because I knew we were all One.

I noticed I was wearing a white dress and I had long blond braided hair.

I was then surprised by the sight of an old book whose parchment sheets were moving on an altar in front of me. I started reading, curious.

There were names, so many, some of them I immediately recognized as I saw their faces appear before me: Violaine, Magenta, Cassius, Helen…

Going on reading the description of their lives, I suddenly remembered their pain and sorrow but also their joy and their thirst for peace. And I understood, within my core, my whole being, that their faces, their emotions, their experiences, their rashness had all been mine…

At the part carrying my present name, a white page was now in display.

Overwhelmed, I collapsed on the ground.

But I was soon awakened by the sight of a beautiful white rose burning in the center of a cross and the silhouette of a bright Light taking form.

_Who are you…?_ I asked the Light who was approaching me.

_You know my name…_ the Energy said, without moving his lips. He was looking at me, moving me, deep within.

And I suddenly saw his body, welcoming Christ entirely, planting the seed of remembrance in the heart of every living creature and in Mother Earth, the remembrance that we are all so much Loved.

Warm tears were trickling down my cheeks when I recognized his face, his pure Energy of Love and Light.

_Why are you crying…?_

_Look what I have gone through, what I have inflicted on others…_

_What we live never defines who we are._

_And we experience many lives, so we can remember where to look… _

_But look what they have done…_

_Everything serves my Mother and Father… All is perfect. Many others have and will come to bring Light upon the world. __I've always been and will always remain with you._

_Why?__ Look at me, I am nothing, I am no one…_

_Because I love you… Let me love you… entirely…_

When he took me in his arms, his whole body exuding all the colours of the rainbow, so bright, I felt my heart explode.

_I am LOVE__– __LOVING__– __LOVED, I am One again, I am this Fire, __PUREST LIGHT, ENERGY of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, exuding from __inside and outside of me. _

_This Fire __Explodes and Spreads Everywhere, Giving Birth, Life to an Infinity of Galaxies, and Dimensions, EMANATING in all the Worlds and all their Dimensions, connecting the CREATION to each other and to the ONE, PUREST LIGHT, PUREST ENERGY of LOVE._

_I am all the Universes in Infinity. _

_I am SPACE in Infinity._

_I am TIME in Infinity, _

_I am the Sun, the Moon, all the Planets, all the Stars composing this Galaxy, _

_I am the Earth,_

_I am Fire warming, purifying, at the Core of the Earth, _

_I am Air and all its particles, the Sky, Clouds, Wind, Rainbows, Aurora Australis and Borealis…_

_I am Water in all forms, Oceans and Seas, Waves and Tides, Rivers and Lakes, Rain…_

_I am Earth in all her forms, Sand, Clay…_

_I am Minerals in all their forms, Mountains, Gems, Crystals…_

_I am Vegetation growing, flourishing in all its forms, Coral, Grass, Trees, Plants, Flowers of beautiful colours, Vegetables, Fruit, Cereals…_

_I am Cells, now multiplying and spreading in Water, associating, forming, evolving,_

_I am all these incredible Animals, swimming, crawling out of the Water, standing, changing, flying, growing, living in the Sea, on Earth, in the Air. _

_I am gigantic animals of all shapes, evolving, changing, _

_I am Whales, Orcas… Fishes and Sea Shells… all the Creatures of the Ocean, _

_I am Eagles, Blackbirds, Doves, Butterflies… all the Creatures of the Air, _

_I am Wolves, Dogs, Cats… all the Creatures of the Earth. _

_I am Manteo, Powwaw… all the Indian women, men and children whose conscience is open to what Life is,_

_I am the Heart of Thomas, firing his gun, killing, blindly following his brothers in the name of hate, slowly discovering what Love is but feeling unworthy of it,_

_I am the Heart of Dyonis and Ananias still full of anger but slowly opening up, _

_I am the Heart of Elyoner and Margery who still feel guilty but are no longer afraid to Love, _

_I am the Heart of Margaret who feels she isn't what she ought to be and belittles herself constantly but has hopes for the heart of others, _

_I am the Heart of Andrew, Alard,__ John Burden, James Hynde, Henry and Richard__ Berrye, John White, Wanchese and his men… all the human beings blind to what this World is, trying to understand it with their mind or emotions, thirsty for power, money, greed or revenge, who still have to remember who they are and where to find the answers – inside._

_I am every newborn, every baby, every child,_

_I am in every woman, man of this World, all the Worlds and all the Dimensions of these Worlds. _

_I am the potential of this Pure Light, Fire, this Energy of Love in their Heart they can all decide to connect to and embrace, waiting to be given birth to spiritually, waiting to be embodied. _

_And I feel this unconditional Love for all the Creation, everywhere; for all those who still think they are separate from the Source of all, this Divine Love inside of us all, for all those who don't see that we are never separate, that the only boundaries we draw are those from our own limited and limiting beliefs._

_And I see a World, our World where everyone lives in Conscience of whom they are, this burning Light and Love, their Essence having become them, Heart, Body and Spirit, sharing this Light and Love to everyone, letting their World everywhere and forever vibrate with it. _

_I see Earth and Heaven become One, vibrating Pure Love and Light, all the Universes being a never ending story of Love, the Sun lovingly creating, giving birth to one Flame, then two, then three… These Flames evolving, finding each other, joining, merging… Earth becoming a new Sun, dancing her own Dance of Love, illuminating another Universe, creating one Flame, then two, then three … in Infinity. _

I cried, in pure bliss, whispering _Thank you _and closed my eyes.

The fire in the middle of the tent had died out.

Aponi was looking at me, smiling.

All the healers were slowly waking up too.

It was all too much for me… I needed fresh air, I needed to go outside.

I stood up, glancing at Aponi, she nodded. I thanked her in Croatoan as I was leaving the tent in silence.

Soon rays of light were illuminating the entire sky as I was walking farther in the forest. I was admiring the trees and the nature when I distinguished a white flower, irradiating an immaculate light, and next to it, two bright shapes.

I immediately recognized my beloved parents.

_ Mum! Dad!_ my heart was shouting as I was running to them.

_Amy… _they replied, hugging me.

_You are here, you are here…I love you so much… _I thought, my heart warmed by their presence.

_ Darling, we've always been watching over you… _my dad answered.

Soon several other beings appeared, the same immaculate light spreading from them all.

_Your brothers and sisters_ Mum explained.

They walked to me and took me in their arms.

I was rendered speechless by so much love.

Another person was among them. It was a tall woman with blond hair and blue eyes whose beauty was beyond anything I had ever seen. _Virginia… _I knew.

_Asha_ she answered without moving her lips.

_Is it still a dream?_

I saw her smile.

_Please, tell my mother that there was nothing she could have done to save me. This was what I had chosen for this life…_

I nodded, but quickly turned around, sensing another bright silhouette meeting us all.

Tears were brimming in my eyes when I recognized Powwaw.

As he was advancing towards us, my heart felt blessed with so much love and wisdom.

_Thank you…_ I simply told him.

He smiled in response.

I was witnessing other shapes now, taking form, becoming lighter and lighter.

I recognized Ananias, taking his daughter's hand, George Howe and the boy from the first day in the settlement, colonists and Indians alike.

Their silhouettes were all moving forward to the Sun, following Powwaw. They were going home, where I was too, in my heart. My parents had vanished, smiling at me.

But two other entities approached me and stood in front of me. I recognized two Secotans that had kept me captive.

_Please, forgive us… _they both said.

_Ho'oponopono _I replied, spreading this mantra to all my incarnations, all around me.

A ray of sun was descending, illuminating me, taking all of me, as I could see all the faces I had borrowed, the face of Magenta, Cassius, Helen… in their immaculate body, our heart having healed our scars.

I started crying, invaded by a feeling of marvelous peace, when I felt a hand on my back.

"Asha…" I looked into Manteo's eyes. He was standing in front of me, distraught. He took my hand and invited me to keep on walking with him. After a while, he abruptly stopped and invited me to face him.

He was back to his uncle's village, with his people, I didn't know where that would leave us... "My uncle want union with my tribe. We celebrate union, in seven days, my brother Matuunagd marry girl he love from Dyami tribe."

"Marry me too…" I replied, my voice shaking "I love you..."

"I love you too…" and when he said so, I kissed him like it was our first time, our flames finding each other, always.

CHAPTER 3 –

Sacred Union

Four days had passed and I was busying myself with all the preparations.

The traditions stated that we had to choose four people to give spiritual and marital guidance throughout our life together. I had chosen Elyoner and Elizabeth, Manteo had chosen, Kajika and Kanti.

I was sewing my regalia with Audrey when Thomas came to stand in front of us.

My friend immediately stood up and left discreetly. We were alone.

"I was a lousy husband, you are right to have chosen another…" he simply said, smiling.

"Thomas, I…"

"I would like you to have this…" he went on, all serious, handing me a piece of cloth.

When I stared at him, doubtful, he added "The present is in the tissue..."

When I unwrapped it, I saw the engagement ring he had given me, together with our wedding rings…"

"Where…"

"I removed them from your finger that day…" he confessed. "I shouldn't have left you…I'm sorry…"

"Thank you…" was all I could think of.

"You know what we say, something old, something new…"

"Something borrowed and something blue…" I finished, smiling. "Traditions…"

"I think this wedding is everything except traditional… Plus, you and I, it would never have worked out anyway… No offence."

"None taken…" I replied, watching Thomas going back to work.

I was bathing in the refreshing source near the village, with Amitola – _Rainbow _– Matuunagd's future wife. We were asking for Mother Earth's blessing, but this time, all the women of the village were bearing witness.

It was the morning of our wedding. The sun was illuminating the water and vegetation, joining us all on this day of joy.

The elders of the village, Imala and her brother, Kitchi, Dyami and his beautiful wife were presiding over the ceremony.

Kajika and Kanti were standing next to Manteo, Elyoner and Elizabeth next to me.

Matuunagd was standing proud, next to his future wife, they were both surrounded with their respective sisters and their husband.

We gave the elders and our friends the gifts we had carefully made for them. I had melted the rings Thomas had given me and moulded heart-shaped medallions. Manteo had carved bows.

Imala and Kitchi were reminding us of the commitment we were taking in front of the Great Spirit as our union was officially pronounced.

Manteo gave Kitchi tobacco, after we both freely expressed our wish to become husband and wife and smoked the pipe to seal our union, my eyes melting in Manteo's.

Matuunagd and Amitola imitated us, by offering their presents to their family, Miakoda and her husband, Dyami and Aponi.

Festivities were starting.

A beautiful meal made of roots, vegetable soup and a wealth of berries for dessert, some heart-shaped as well, was ready to be blessed and delight the whole village.

I was happy to see Elyoner smile again for the first time since the loss of her baby and all the others sharing our joy.

Even Wyonet seemed to have found solace, with Henry…

None of the food was wasted, the elders being given the few leftovers.

The sunset was near.

A beautiful fire was dancing to the rhythm of sung poems and drums. I was watching my husband from afar when he came to join me, taking my hand.

Our eyes were hungrily observing each other.

It was time for us to join our tent.

We wished goodnight to all our guest.

The two of us, finally alone, Manteo approached me and undressed me, slowly, not keeping his eyes off mine.

"My wife…"

It was my turn to undress him and we were soon both naked in front of each other. "My husband…" I replied, his muscular body making me blush.

Manteo presented me with a wild rose he had plucked for me and started caressing my body, slowly, starting with my face.

I took the rose in my hands and followed his lead.

He put his arms around me, my hands on his lower back until our lips found each other again, our bodies ready to merge into one, ready to let our fire consume us heart, body and spirit.

"Take me, take all of me."I urged him.

Manteo resumed kissing me, even more deeply, his hands caressing my face, my breasts, touching me everywhere.

"Beautiful…" he whispered at my ear.

He lay me down and kissed me passionately.

He entered me slowly at first and then with force, letting my whole body curl up around his, his movements, matching our hearts beating in unison, increased in intensity.

I was on top of him, touching him now.

He turned me over and entered me from behind, his right hand on my back, our bodies becoming one.

"Look at me…" I asked him.

He was on me, my whole being welcoming him, like a calyx welcoming red wine in this divine union of Sacred Love. He increased his movement, entering me more deeply every time, until we were both shaking in ecstasy, a rainbow fire consuming us both as one, like two Snakes in a Loving embrace, flying more than a thousand feet above ground.

"I love you…" I repeated in his ear, my arms embracing him entirely.

_A fire to call eternity into Time,_

_Make body's joy as vivid as the soul's_. (270)

Savitri by Sri Aurobindo

141


End file.
